


He Said, She Said {Hiatus}

by hxganbana (lycorisrxdiata)



Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types
Genre: Adolescent Sexuality, Gender Dysphoria, Genderqueer Character, Hitachiincest, M/M, Romance, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-08
Updated: 2014-12-29
Packaged: 2018-01-11 15:27:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 19,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1174701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lycorisrxdiata/pseuds/hxganbana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Figuring out sexuality is difficult enough on a couple of teenagers, but now Hikaru and Kaoru also find themselves struggling on putting a name to their emerging gender identity as well - add that to their budding feelings for one another and a fine mess is about to result. Series of one-shot fanfics exploring bigender!Hitachiin twins. Will later be M for sexual content/twincest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dress Up

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Chapter one of a series of little one-shots I'll be patching together that explores the avenue of bigender!Hitachiin twins. In this specific case, they both identify with being male (their assigned gender), but only sometimes. They also identify as being female, which leads them both to alternate between the two genders depending on their how they wish to identify. As they figure out how they're feeling about identifying as more than one gender, I'll stick to using they/them/theirs in certain chapters.
> 
> I'll also be exploring their sexuality. Their relationship in canon is quite literally, borderline incestuous and I believe they are just a hair shy of actually getting together in the series. This means that this is also a Hitachiincest fanfiction and if you cannot handle that, the back button probably looks good to you.
> 
> Otherwise, enjoy! Please leave feedback, it helps me figure out what direction to go and who's receiving my work. Let me know what you need more clarification on what non-binary identities mean, specifically being bigender, and I'll try to point you to some resources (although I encourage you to do some research if you're not familiar with this concept).

_She says she loves the way mother used to never care about using her as displays for her latest fashion trends._

Most little boys would find it humiliating, the fact that they were being stuffed into doll-like dresses for the sake of showing off their parent's work.

Not them.

They put up such little fuss the first time they are slipping into frills at the age of three, so Yuzuha decides to do it again, and again - soon, whenever the whole family scrambles over to see her latest designs, they are, sure enough, displaying her trends.

If anything, it was the amount of fawning their relations did that sickened them the most.

"Oooooh, look at you! Just like a pair of little dolls!"

"She's at it again, that devil. Dressing up her sons to be a pair of angels - it's just too cute."

"She should put them in commercials - bet you her sales would go out though the roof!"

Murmurs would reach around to them when said relations approached them; they would pinch their cheeks, croon, and even tried to play along and guess who was Hikaru (of course, nobody got it right).

After a while, it gets old, even they're only five. A pair of children could only stand so much babying, which is exactly why they slip away from the party and head to the backyard. Few adults ventured there - the meet-and-greet was contained to the front, so this leaves them with enough space to venture.

"What a boring party." Kaoru is the first to voice their dissent, brushing down the blue extensions.

"All of mom's parties are boring." Hikaru picks at the end of their dress, examining the frills.

"She could've just dressed us up without all the dumb adults."

Both share a giggle.

"Yeah, totally. I just like the dress, y'know? Kinda makes me feel like..."

"...a girl?"

The elder twin nods. Seconds later, they tilt their head a bit and blink - of course, their twin guessed right, but wasn't it odd? How can a boy /feel/ like a girl?

"Don't you - "

" - think it's weird?" Kaoru finishes.

"Yeah. Boys aren't - "

" - girls. And girls aren't - "

" - boys."

"..."

"...but I don't feel like much of a boy right now."

"Me either."

Both of them scrunch up their noses and sit on the ground, ruffling the dresses.

"Hikaru, does that mean we're girls now? If we don't feel like boys?"

"I dunno. We're boys, aren't we? But if we don't feel like boys.."

Pause. It wasn't adding up to either of them, and yet -

"...I kind of like it though  - "

" - feeling like this. Yeah. I do, too."

"Do you think mom would let us do this more?"

"Why not? Mom wants to show off her clothes whenever she can."

An enthusiastic nod is followed by the bobbing of pink pigtails. Both end up smiling.

"Maybe we can show up like this to school when we feel like wearing dresses too, right Kaoru? It'd be kinda fun."

"Yeah! We should do it!"

Pleased murmurs slip between them as they entertain the thought of the school's reaction to them showing up in the girl uniforms. Maybe they could put more natural-looking extensions in and have fun performing different hair styles. Mother might even let them experiment with some nail polish -

"Hikaru! Kaoru! There you two are!"

So much for that fantasy. The bubble is popped when the gentle voice of their mother snaps them out of their little conversation.

"Awwww, but mommmmm!" Sycophantic whines escape their throats in unison.

"No 'buts', you two. You know the family has been dying to see how much you've grown."

"No they haven't, they just wanna see us look cute."

Yuzuha chuckles, hands resting on their small shoulders.

"Of course. Who wouldn't? You're simply adorable."

In unison, they roll their eyes, hands quick to reach for the other's.

"Come on. You boys can have lunch after you say hello to your grandmother, alright?"

Although their mother calls them boys, it doesn't sit right with them. They don't like the odd sensation of disappointment that stems from those syllables, but don't know what to say in response. Instead, both grin with excitement at the mention of their grandmother. She was simply the best, what with her unconventional fashion statements and eccentric love of motorcycles.

As they head back, they both share glances past their mother's back. She likes to dress them for her shows, but what if she wouldn't let them do this for school?

For the rest of the day, they don't dare to mention it, not even as their father asks why they look hurt when he calls them his 'boys'.


	2. Individuality Hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe they don't want to be told apart, and maybe they do. Either way, it's not their fault people lack the intelligence to understand who was who.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: And here I present chapter two! I'm going to try and keep updating once a week - I'd love to do it even more, since I've got such the plethora of ideas, but I get busy during the week, and I do better when I devote a solid amount of time in the late mornings to just write.
> 
> Enjoy! Leave your feedback, let me know what you think!

He says that he doesn't always mind being called a 'boy'.  
  
Boy. Man. Male.   
  
Those words fit, sometimes, has their days of consistency and ease with which they could ascribe their identity to. When that happens, there is no fuss - all of the identifiers pour from the mouths of maids and mother alike with a soothing honey that confirms who they are.  
  
But when it doesn't match?  
  
It is the very bane of their existence. What was once a sort of validating balm becomes rusted nails entrenching themselves into their skin until their bones are aching from the puncture wounds.   
  
On those days, they ached to be called otherwise.  
  
Girl. Woman. Female.  
  
At seven years old, they still don't know why that is, but the feeling has stuck to them. Enjoying feminine clothing and dabbling with make-up continues on those kind of days when everybody is busy. They have even practicsed referring to each other in terms of she, her, and hers in an effort to reduce the tension that coiled tight within whenever others kept calling them boys.  
  
Right now, it works. There is not yet a word they can think of to describe the way with which they transfer between genders, but for now, they think nothing of it.   
  
Until then,  there will be other pressing concerns to deal with, like the very fact that Yuzuha is, at present, attempting to seperate her children into separate bed.  
  
"Do we have to?"  
  
Moonlight soaks the room with its soothing rays. Cherry blossoms are hugging the window and the March winds roll into the room - how comforting it would be, if not for the fact that they were both huffing on the mattress with their stubby legs and arms folded up.  
  
"Yes. You two are getting to be big boys (boys, today that identification suits them). You know you both can't sleep in the same bed for forever."  
  
"But mooooooooom." Hikaru, being one of more theatrical flair, is kicking his legs and falling back on the bed with a loud 'thump.' What part of 'no' does this woman not get?  
  
"We don't wanna." Kaoru, on the other hand, sits in place, fingers idling with his pajama buttons as he stares up at his mother.  
  
"You two heard me. It'll be nice to have your own space, don't you think?"  
  
"No."  
  
The twins utter this in unison. Hikaru sits upright once again, if only   
"It's adorable how you think I'm giving you a choice."  
  
Before they know it, Kaoru is getting plucked off of the mattress. He is placed on the other side of the room where a new bed was placed.   
  
"Now, I'll be checking on you in half an hour. I better see you two sticking to your beds, okay?"  
  
Yuzuha kisses them good night, despite all of the whining and protesting they do.  She thinks they'll get used to it in due time - they have to, they're too old to still want to share the same bed.  
  
†  
  
It's only been two hours, yet this arrangement is already so dissatisfying that it almost /hurts/ the twins to the point where they are shuffling around in their separate beds and passing whispers.  
  
Individuality is such a drag.  
  
"I can't sleep." Hikaru confesses first. Kaoru can't make out his brother's features, but he's sure there was a well-defined pout on his lips.  
  
"Me either."  
  
"Mom's come in twice now...do you think she'll come a third time?"  
  
"No way. It's almost midnight. She's gotta sleep sometime."  
  
"Then what are we waiting for? Get over here!"  
  
"Okay, okay! Hold on."  
  
The younger twin stuffs the bed with a few pillows and throws the sheet over, then shuffles over.   
  
"Ow! Hey, watch it!"  
  
"Sorr - oof, move your big butt nii-san, you take up too much space - "  
  
"Me? Rude, Kaoru, I do not."  
  
"Do too. "  
  
Although the twins are still a tangle of limbs and sheets, both are giggling. Nevermind that Kaoru was sitting right in the middle of Hikaru's lap - it was comforting to be in such close proximinity again.  
  
"I hope she doesn't come in."  
  
"Me too. I don't want her to put you back over there. I don't like it."  
  
Pause. The younger slips out of his sibling's lap, only to nestle next to him as they both lay down.  
  
"She might grab you though, Hikaru. It's not like she can tell us apart, at least not when our hair's all messed up 'n we're sleeping."  
  
"What are you talking about? I don't think she knows the difference at all, sleeping or not....I mean, if she could /really/ tell us apart, don't you think she'd be addressing us seperately by now?"  
  
Silence sits between them for a moment as identical hues of amber lock gazes.  
  
"Well...you know what that maid said."  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
Too identical. Too alike.   
  
"But!" Before they let hurt over people's inability to distinguish them settle in, Hikaru sits up, fists clenched. "That's because people are stupid."  
  
"Yeah!" Kaoru does the same. "Way stupid!"  
  
"It's not our fault they can't tell us apart. I mean, how obvious is it that /I'm/ Hikaru, and /you're/ Kaoru?"  
  
"Uh-huh! I don't know how everybody else keeps missing that! It's so easy to tell..."  
  
These words provide a sense of reassurance. People are idiots, not them. Not because they deliberately make it impossible for people to guess, or that they are entering the third grade still sleeping in the same bed and holding hands every day. Not because they themselves have been so preoccupied with keeping their very beings entangled as one abstract entity instead of two, fully-established individual children with their own set of friends and their own set of interests.  
  
Not because of them. Not at all.  
  
"But...it'd be...kinda nice if - "  
  
" - people could tell us apart."  
  
As they lay down again, identical sighs leave their throats. Hikaru grabs Kaoru's hand in his and gives it a tight squeeze.  
  
"Forget 'em. We don't need them. I've got you, and you've got me, okay?"  
  
The younger twin returns the squeeze.  
  
"You promise, nii-san?"  
  
"I promise. Always."  
  
"Always."  
  
Now that they're in the same bed again, the twins are able to drift away into a comfortable slumber.   
  
Yuzuha checks on them again in an hour and finds that not even she has the heart to rip them away.   
  
Individuality hurts, after all.


	3. Keep It In the Closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nobody wants to believe that they could be anything else but what they were assigned, so maybe it's one of those things they're going to have to keep in. At least, at least, they've got this time to try and explore before the door must be shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Here's part three! These next few chapters are going to involve their experiences in middle school, and then thereafter I definitely want to zoom on their high school and college experience.
> 
> As always, enjoy! Feedback is always greatly appreciated!

_She says that she sometimes felt smothered inside her own skin._

Middle school is approaching at a speed that throws them off guard, and they don't know what to do about it. Sure, they are moving in with the same peers, but the environment of it all seems -

"Boring."

On a tour of Ouran Academy's junior high school, the twins are already apathetic about the whole ordeal. Only here for fifteen minutes, and it is already an underwhelming experience. The place was, after all, in the same location, and this segment was only modestly larger than the elementary division.

"Now, Kaoru - "

"Nope! I'm Hikaru."

"Hikaru - "

"What, you seriously believe that? Of course I'm Kaoru, I was joking."

"You two - "

"Wha - ow! Hey, hey!"

"Dad!"

Mr. Hitachiin is tugging on them both by the ear and hauling them over to the admissions office with an agitated scowl. They were going to be the death of him, that's for sure.

"Daaaaad!" Kaoru is wincing as they go, trying hard to get out of his grip. It wasn't his fault that Hikaru decided to mess around. "Let me go, it was his fault."

"No way, that was all you, Kaoru." Hikaru is doing the same, although he is also attempting not to laugh about it. After all, if he was going to suffer, Kaoru had to suffer with him.

"Hikaru, you big jerk, don't drag me into your stupid games!"

"I'm not doing anything, it was all you! I'm the victim here."

"You're lucky I can't reach you from here or I swear - "

"Boys!"

"Ow!"

They come to an abrupt halt in front of the building, ears getting tugged hard before they are released.

"We're here. Now behave."

 

†

 

Both of their uniforms are laying neatly across the bed, yellow tops and black slacks ironed out to perfection as they await to be worn.

"Can you believe we have to wear this next year?"

Kaoru makes a face in response. She (as they both wished to go by today) couldn't agree more.

"What are we going to do on the days that we don't wanna wear it?"

"I don't know." A sigh. "Too bad we weren't actually girls or something. Their outfits are actually cute."

"Well, yeah, but then we'd probably get annoyed if we couldn't wear the guy uniforms, huh?"

"Ugh." Hikaru huffs. "Can't win one way, or the other, can we?"

As it stands, their I.D says male. M. Big, bold, angry red letter that sticks to their faces and names wherever they go, even when they don't identify with that gender presentation.

Doubtful that even such a school as Ouran would be willing to allow them to simply switch, too. There's only men and women as far as they can tell.

"No. Not really."

The elder twin throws her arms up and sits down on the bed with a scowl etched into porcelain features.

"I hate feeling like this."

"What do you mean?" Kaoru occupies the spot next to her, brows knitting into a gentle concern. She was always fretting about her older sibling when the dysphoria started up, despite her own welling within.

"It'd just...be easier if we always felt like guys, I guess. Then it wouldn't matter what our uniforms looked like, and it wouldn't feel like crap when people keep calling us boys."

Pause. The younger twin lets out a slight chuckle.

"What? You think that's funny?"

"No, no. I just thought of something, though. I mean, it's temporary, but it might help."

Hikaru lightens up.

"What's that?"

"Well, mother and father are going to be away on business trips all summer, right?"

A grin spreads across the elder twin as she catches on.

"Yeah...they are. Which means - "

"We can do - "

"Whatever we want and wear - "

"Whatever we feel like."

This realization is enough for Hikaru to bolt right out of the mattress. She was already in love with the idea.

"It'll be great! We can sneak into mother's wardrobe; I know she's made some girly outfits that fit us! We can even try growing our hair out and everything!"

A heartfelt nod. Kaoru is smiling in spite of herself. It would be nice, just once, to be able to switch in and out without worrying about getting caught, however fleeting that might be.

"She leaves tonight. Let's do it then."

 

†

 

Summer comes and goes as quickly as its short-lasting foliage. Trees, once a vibrant green, are already starting to become painted with the colors of autumn; browns and reds and yellows and oranges become a common sight as one wanders along parks and streets.

School is just a breath away, and neither twin knows how to deal with that. No longer was it the prospect of being ensnared in what they considered a 'boring' location, but the fact that they were going to have to fall right back into one gender.

Temporary. This was temporary from the start, and yet -

Disappointment does not evade them, no; it sinks right into their very bones and keeps them up later than they mean to, makes them dig through every outfit Yuzuha has possibly made, keeps them changing nail polish colors and keeps them swapping hairstyles.

Preserving the satisfaction of being free to express themselves was top priority.

"Hey, Kaoru, what do you think? This look good on me?"

For now, they both idle in their room. Kaoru keeps busy with a hairbrush and grooms her shoulder-length locks with care (it did get pretty long, pretty quick). Hikaru, on the other hand, is busy fitting herself into a light blue dress, one that hugs her twelve-year-old body until it reaches the end, leaving a thick layer of fluff to poke out.

"I like that on you. Blue's really your color."

"Think so?"

"Of course."

Kaoru thought she was beautiful. Really, really beautiful - so much so that, she felt herself turn a little red thinking about how nice her twin looked (although at this point in time she couldn't tell you why she felt the way she did).

"Thanks."

As they continue messing around, the door cracks open. Many of the servants had seen the young masters swapping clothes - dresses and shorts, skirts and pants - most didn't really care what they were up to. Yuzuha had simply said to make sure they stay out of trouble; she never mentioned a word about banning her sons from playing what they believed was dress up.

She doesn't know that, though.

"Boys, I'm ho - ! Boys!"

She is staring at the pair of them, and it is her voice that scares them both into stillness. Kaoru stops braiding Hikaru's hair, and Hikaru drops the barrette she was holding.

"What are you two doing?"

"Dress-up." They reply in unison, lying it off as quick as they can. "We wanted to see if we could look good as girls."

"Is that so?" This answer seems to amuse her, and it appeases Yuzuha. That's all it was, yes, just another one of their games and not anything she should concern herself with. They were just being boys, that's all.

"Yeah. What do you think, mom? Don't we look good?"

"Sure you two do." She chuckles, and enters the room. Taking a seat next to Kaoru, Yuzuha ruffles their hair and smiles. "And I'm sure this little experiment of yours has been fun, but school starts in two days. You know you can't go like that."

"We weren't planning on it."

More lies.

"Good." Each twin receives a gentle kiss to the forehead. "That hair's gonna need a cut. First thing in the morning, got it?"

She leaves them be for the night after that, and never in their lives have they gone through so many colors of polish since then.

(Is this what people meant by being in the closet?)


	4. Talented

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn't like the idea of second place, but at least he could understand why it had to be that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Now presenting chapter four. I had a bit of a struggle trying to start it - while gender identity and exploring that is important, I don't want that to be a constant, all consuming topic, so I'm trying to integrate with other struggles they're dealing with. As for the song, I listened to 'Dance, Dance' by the Vitamin String Quartet for inspiration, if you want to read this chapter to that tune.
> 
> Enjoy! Feedback is much appreciated!

_He says that he had to learn to work around the dissatisfaction._

Funny how there is still competition for the right to be an heir, Kaoru thinks.

Was it not amusing? Both of them were identical, almost perfectly so, and yet, here they are, hearing Yuzuha murmur about her company prospects to her husband at the dinner table while her eyes kept shifting over to the pair of them. Whether or not she could tell them apart was irrelevant - she only had one of them in mind when it came to considering who would take over.

"Ridiculous." As they enter their bedroom from another day at school, Hikaru is tossing his bag onto the bed with his porcelain features knotted into a frown. "I was only born fifteen minutes before you, and they wanna make me the heir? What for?"

"You know the rules." Kaoru heads over to the chair, picking up his violin case. "The eldest son inherits the company of his parents and is groomed to fit the role."

"It's a stupid role that I have to fit." The elder rolls his eyes. "Especially since you and I are in a Matriarchy. Bet you if mom had a daughter - "

Both of them sigh. It is uncomfortable enough of a thought that it forces Hikaru to rub at his chest and shift in his uniform.

"If I – if we were girls...I mean, born with all the right stuff, and not just..."

"You know most people can't wrap their heads around gender identity." Kaoru tunes his instrument with bow in hand, trying to provide a cushion between his brother and the anxiety that was eating him up. Doing so helped to contain his own. "Even if we identified as girls all of the time, and wanted to change our bodies...mother would probably just say we were still boys."

"Well mother can fu - "

Kaoru raises a brow. Hikaru merely snorts in response.

"Like I said. The only reason I'm getting mother's company is because we're her only children and I was born first. If she had a daughter to pass it on to - a (and he uses airquotes with this) "biological" daughter, she'd get it no matter what."

"That's true."

Silence fills up cracks and holes where the conversation could no longer reach, until the younger twin begins to play one of Chopin's pieces, arm moving raptly about the strings.

Now was not the time to admit that Kaoru found himself a little bit - just a little bit - envious at the position Hikaru was placed.

 

†

 

No amount of talent was ever going to make him enough in the eyes of his parents.

Although he is only fourteen, Kaoru was capable of playing some of the hardest pieces on his violin. He had won several art shows, and he was already semi-fluent in French and English both. He could read novels of American authors with such a dazing speed that annoyed his classmates when it was time for discussion. Why, he is even better at grasping the way people behave, reading in depth what kind of defenses they would use, how they conveyed emotion, and so forth.

And yet, here he is, stuck in second place.

Granted, he was not mad at Hikaru (he didn't think he could ever get mad at that beautiful boy), but more-so at his parents for disallowing him any opportunity without taking into consideration his capabilities.

Was he not enough for them? Why couldn't they both take over the company, together?

"Kaoru."

It was all unfair. He was just as good, just as fit. He could lead like the best of them, he was sure of it -

"Kaaaaaaoooorrru."

Maybe he'd show them. Maybe he'd dazzle them with something new, make them see that he deserved to be seen in the same light as his twin -

"Holy shit, Kaoru, snap out of it already."

It takes a gentle shaking from Hikaru to pry the younger out of his thoughts.

"God, welcome back to Earth you big dork." A gentle smile fits his lips, one that makes Kaoru's heart do a bit of a jump for reasons unexplained. "The maid wanted me to inform you that dinner will be ready in fifteen minutes."

"Right." He laughs a little. "Sorry about that, nii-san. I was just - "

"Yeah, yeah. You were thinking, I know. You do it a lot. I think that's dangerous."

"As if." Kaoru brings his violin up to his shoulder. "You don't think enough. That's scary."

"Nuh-uh! I just happen to act first and ask questions about it later. I think living life on impulse is better than just sitting around and mulling it over."

"Sure, but if you never sit down to think about the wonder of things and appreciate their complexities, then you're failing to understand the depths through which we live."

The elder twin simply rolls his eyes and points his fingers to his head, a sign that Kaoru was doing too much talking.

"Rude."

"At least I'm honest."

"Right."

Hikaru grins.

"Say...Kaoru, play a popular song."

"What for?"

"I want to join you."

Kaoru smiles.

"Okay."

He puts himself into position and begins to move his arm over the strings, fingers falling into place on the neck of the instrument. He would leave it to Hikaru to guess what he was playing.

"This song? Alright, then..."

Getting up from the mattress, the elder clears his throat, and then -

"She says she's no good with words but I'm worse,  
Barely stuttered out a joke of a romantic stuck to my tongue..."

As they fall into harmony, both find themselves absent of any thought. It was these moments that provided comfort from the constant stress of repressing their feminine energies, of having to play the role of obedient children who were just being groomed for economic benefit.

Whoever said music was not capable of healing?

"I'm two quarters and a heart down and I don't wanna forget how your voice sounds, these words are all I have so I write them,  
I need them just to get by..."

It is only when the song ends that reality begins to sit down upon their shoulders once more, at least for Hikaru.

Kaoru, on the other hand, is left reeling in the sensation - not of his playing, but of the sound of his twin's voice.

Denying that his brother was without talent would be quite the disservice. Hikaru can sing; his voice demanded to be heard, and captured attention without so much as trying. When it came to math, and science, the elder was quick to put together abstract concepts and concrete theory - he had won a good number of science fairs because of that. To top it off, he already had the better eye for design - while it's true that both of them are very knowledgeable with the world of fashion, it was Hikaru who knew what fabrics were made of, he who understood what should and shouldn't go together, and he who even began drawing sketches of different styles down all over the sides of his homework.

Is it any wonder he was the one who would take over?

"Kaoru, you're doing it again."

"Yeah...wait, what?"

"Thinking. You're thinking again. Maybe you should stop."

He rolls his eyes.

"You're ridiculous, nii-san."

"No way."

Fingers brush though red strands, and the elder places a gentle kiss to the top of his head.

"Nerd."

"Jerk."

But he is as red as his hair, face hidden in in his brother's chest. What was this sensation coming over him?

(Something tells him it was more than just the talent that left him captivated.)


	5. Playing Games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They aren't exactly fond of letting people in their world, even though the loneliness is haunting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Chapter five is now up! You didn't think I forgot all about their little stint in middle school, did you?
> 
> As always, enjoy, leave some feedback or favorites and let me know what you're liking so far!

_She says it began as a single game._

Towards the beginning of their second year, the twins begin to notice that there are one-too-many love letters piling up high on their desks. Girls (and perhaps the occasional guy), it seemed like, were finding them to be an attractive pair.

For them, it makes no sense - not because they didn't think they weren't handsome (clearly, they were, and used it to suit them as needed), but because these admirers were haphazardly spreading infatuation along the surface, addressing one twin in name but never in person.

"Are they even trying?"

Ivory fingers trace the edge of the envelope, dipping down on its body to occasionally flick the flap. This is the upteenth letter Hikaru got in his name, and he was simply itching to tear it to shreds.

"I doubt it." Kaoru keeps himself pressed on the windowsill, gazing down at the courtyard. "I think they come up with these things from Google."

"If I get one more letter telling me they think I'm cute, I'm gonna - "

"Hikaru."

Kaoru nods his head toward the window. "Look."

"...She's here."

"...do you still wanna do this? We could just leave her hanging."

"We could..."

His lips twitch into a frown, fingers clenching the paper. Not saying anything to her was being too merciful.

"But I don't want to. It's time we start teaching these girls a lesson, Kaoru."

Turning to his younger brother, a smirk creeps upon his features.

"Don't you think so?"

"I guess so, but..." Kaoru pauses, shifting in his spot. He wasn't looking forward to this as much as Hikaru was, and it showed in the way his expression remains neutral. "Nobody's going to win this game, nii-san..."

"I know that. Isn't that the point? We dont want them to tell us apart, do we?"

Although Hikaru knows just as well that he is speaking contradictions, for he feels heavy with the thought of being undistinguished.

"I....I don't know. Is that what we want?"

One hand is removed from the envelope, placing itself on top of Kaoru's. Their thumbs brush, and their fingers tangle up together.

"Listen, Kaoru. We're testing them. They wanna keep sending us so many love letters, right? Well, instead of letting them hurt us, we tear them all apart before they can think of it."

"We can avoid disappointment this way...and we can get back at them for being stupid. We'll show them not to come to us until they know who's who."

A satisfactory enough of an answer. The younger squeezes his twin's hand, then nods. A wicked glint overcomes his irises.

"What are we waiting for, then? Time to put the 'Which one is Hikaru' game back into motion."

And so they do just that; slinking into the courtyard, Kaoru hides, and Hikaru approaches the girl with a fake smile. He made sure to hold the envelope up so she knew her letter didn't fall on deaf ears.

"O-oh!" She fumbles with her binder, then smiles. "You got it..."

"Of course." Pausing, he makes sure to appear bashful. "But, you see, I'm not Hikaru. I'm Kaoru."

"!"

"I mean..." Twirling the letter he still ached to rip, the elder glances at her. "? Hikaru appreciated the letter, but he's already got a love interest."

She frowns a little, before -

"Don't you think you could like me instead, though? I have to admit, I've had a crush on you for quite a while..."

They sit in silence for a moment, until she replies with something so ridiculous it makes Hikaru's blood boil.

"S-sure. I could..."

"I see..."

She didn't even try. She didn't insist that she liked Hikaru more, or that she had written the letter with him in mind. To her, they are easily replaceable.

"Kaoru!"

"Wha - !"

Emerging from the bushes, the younger twin grins, then takes his place beside Hikaru.

"So you were - "

"That's right." And before he can stop himself, the words start pouring from his lips like poison, grip so tight on the envelope that he was starting to make it crumple.

"By saying you want me instead of Hikaru, you're implying that you actually don't really want either of us."

"But that's mean - "

"No, you're the one who's mean." A snort. “Do you even think about what you say before it leaves your mouth? Would you really be fine with Kaoru, instead, and do you even know which one of us is which?"

"Um, not - "

"No, of course you don't."

Hikaru begins to rip the letter apart.

"Never - " Rip. "Send us - " Tear. "A letter - " Shred. "Again." Drop.

Pieces of the letter scatter all over the courtyard, leaving the girl in tears.

"And by the way..." Kaoru interjects. "If you even want to stand a chance of dating us, get your nails done. They're hideous."

Wordlessly, she is sent off in heaving sobs, legs carrying her as fast as she can go. One might think that watching her cry was enough to make the twins feel regret, or pity. Instead, both are beside themselves - Kaoru watches with a slight smirk, feeling satisfied. Hikaru, on the other hand, is laughing, feeling better than he should have about reducing somebody to tears.

"Her expression - "

"Priceless!"

After the elder's laugher dies down, the pair glance at each other. Gazes soften, and fingers lace back together.

"We should do that more often."

"Don't worry, Kaoru. I'm sure we'll get the chance soon enough."

†

As the year goes on, the students begin to see just how warped the Hitachiin Twins really were, how easily they could bring people down and shut them out before a word was ever put in.

Unfortunately, these two prodigal children are from one of the wealthiest families in all of Ouran (and in Japan, for that matter), so parents are nagging for them to try and make the acquaintance of the red-heads.

To say that it's been unsuccessful is an understatement.

"How are we supposed to become their friends if they don't like anybody?"

"Dad wants me to get to know them, but, I'm too scared to even go near them."

"Why bother? I'm pretty sure they don't even like anybody beside each other."

How true, those words. Granted, the pair of them remember _one_ person they were fond of (a housemaid that worked for Yuzuha for six months, about when they were five), but given that she left in the midst of a robbery while telling them that nobody would be able to tell them apart, well -

"Do you hear them, Hikaru? They keep talking about us."

It was getting hard to focus on her book when they kept murmuring so damn close to them. Couldn't they just enjoy the emerging spring season without gossiping?

"Good for them. I don't care."

"I know, but I can't even read with them around..."

"Yeah?"

Her elder twin's expression is soft, just for her, and she receives a gentle squeeze to her hand.

"Allow me."

Turning towards the group, Hikaru fixes up a glare, one so nasty that it puts the students into silence.

"What are you standing around, for? _Leave_.”

They do so without giving it a second thought.

"Better?"

"Yeah..."

"Good."

How odd, their relationship. It was one of such intimacy; hands being held, kisses to the cheek being shared - hardly did they think much of it, other than it being the only secure point they've got in their lives. After all, shutting people down had its consequences, the main effect of which, brought about a surreal loneliness that crept into the crevasse of their hearts.

Despite it, they wouldn't yield. The locks around them grow heavier, get rustier; the chains tighten their hold and the gates stay sealed. No matter how unbearable the sensation grew, the twins knew they had each other.

For now, it was enough. They could do this for the rest of their lives, if they had to, if it meant not letting people hurt them anymore.

†

Time waits for no man, and for the twins, who were so self-assured in the creation of their own little world, this is no exception.

How quick things do change.

"I can't believe he got it right."

As they sit in their limo, the pair sit in an awkward silence, unripped letter still lingering in Hikaru's hand.

"But he guessed." Kaoru surmises.

"We could've fooled him, you know."

"Maybe, but you were so surprised, Hikaru...you didn't catch yourself fast enough to fake it."

He laughs.

"Damn that Suoh. I let him get to me."

"And he won." The younger rolls his eyes, body slumping so that he could rest his head on his brother's shoulder. "Now we _have_ to join his stupid club."

Leaning his head on top of Kaoru's, the elder snorts.

"Oh, well. It's nothing big, I'm sure. Just another way for us to kill some time. It's not like we've got anything else to do."

"That's true."

The rest of their ride goes on in silence once more, although it settles into the cracks of the conversation as something comfortable. Both of them wanted to pretend that they were disappointed by Tamaki's ability to distinguish them, but it was hard to stay aggravated.

Both of them were impressed, but only by a little bit.

(There's still no way they could let people into their world. Not so soon.)


	6. Bloom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he·li·o·trope  
> /ˈhēlēəˌtrōp/
> 
> noun. 
> 
> 1\. a plant of the borage family, cultivated for its fragrant purple or blue flowers, which are used in perfume.  
> 2\. a light purple color, similar to that typical of heliotrope flowers.
> 
> adjective. 
> 
> 3\. word used to describe a kaleidoscope of purples, pinks, and blues.   
> 4\. a blossoming sensation of attraction not yet understood; budding sexuality and romance unbestknown to the protagonists.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yes, I promise, Heliotrope is a type of flower. Very gorgeous, too. I won't spoil it for you but there's a distinct reason I make a lot of reference to the word and the flower. (Imaginary treats for you if you think you can guess why in a review).
> 
> All metaphors aside, allow me to present chapter six, now with 150% more Host Club shenanigans. Enjoy! Feedback, favorites, and views all appreciated!

_He said it was the spark of curiosity that prompted him forward._

"These are the most ridiculous lines I have ever seen."

Busy are the twins as they pour over the scripts, eyes skimming over the paper with knitted brows.

"Don't be ridiculous." Tamaki runs his fingers through blonde locks, lips quirking into a slight smile. "You two have just received them! Besides, there's endless potential for you two to bring the words to life!"

"Sure." Kaoru rolls her eyes. "If you call this chicken scratch writing 'potential'."

"!"

A flabbergasted noise escapes the blonde's throat as he clutches his chest, sinking to the ground. Despair overtook his features.

"Chicken scratch...they call my writing chicken scratch..."

"Uh, Suoh?" Both of them raise a brow. "Are you...okay?"

As if nothing was wrong, he springs back up, beaming with brilliance.

"Call me King!"

"No way."

Again, Tamaki goes back to the floor, although he is now hurdled up in the corner while he makes circular patterns on the floor.

"They don't wanna call me King...I see how it is. I'm not respected enough. All of my hard work, and this is what I receive in return? It was all for naught."

"Jesus Christ." Hikaru murmurs under her breath. "He's a total fruit basket."

"Tell me about it." Kaoru rolls her eyes, gaze flickering over the script. "I don't know how much more of this I can stand."

"Maybe we should bail now."

"And what, give him a heart attack? I don't think he'd let us live it down if we did."

The elder twin snorts. A moment of silence befits the otherwise empty music room, before -

"Say, uh, Suoh. We got a question."

Again, Tamaki springs up on his feet, violet irises laced with the shadow of a smile.

"Yes?"

"How about - " Kaoru begins.

" - We experiment a little?" Hikaru finishes.

"Experiment? How so?"

Now both of them speak in unison.

"Instead of just reading straight from this boring script of yours, we could spice it up a little. If you give us a week, we'll turn it into a masterpiece for the opening of the Host Club. Sound good?"

The pair wait with baited breath. They didn't want their newfound boss to burst into another round of fanatical tears, nor did they need him sulking it up in the corner.

"Fair enough!" He grins, then gives the thumbs up. Kaoru lets out a sigh of relief. Hikaru mumbles something akin to 'Thank Spirits.' "I'll even do you an additional favor."

"Yeah, like what?"

"If both of you can nail the essence of the 'two-in-one forbidden brotherly love act', you won't even need a script to read from! Why, I won't even make you practice it in front of me! All I ask is that you come back during opening day with a perfected routine."

Tamaki's grin widens.

"Now, let's hope you two can surprise me, hm?"

In response, the twins cock matching smirks.

"Oh, you'll be in for a real surprise, alright. Don't you worry about that."

 

†

 

August winds roll over Japan, providing reprise from the smoldering heat that hangs heavy over the city. Trees are in peak bloom; myriad shades of green fit their line of vision as far as the eye can see, alongside a series of flowers that stay tucked away in bushes and branches alike.

"Good idea practicing out here today, Kaoru."

"Wasn't it, though?" He smiles, taking a deep breath. Of all the things he could smell, he found that the lure of the heliotropes was the most intoxicating scent of them all. "It's such a gorgeous day...a little hot, but, it's still summer, so..."

"Mmhm."

The pair lay sprawled in the grass. Now that they were older, the expanse of their lawn didn't seem as large as it used to be.

"We should probably get back to practicing."

Hikaru huffs.

"But we just took a break. I'm not ready, yet."

"Whiner." Kaoru chuckles. "It's not like we're doing anything complicated."

"Sure we are. Acting takes a lot out of me, you know."

"As if."

After a few more minutes pass, the elder twin sits up, and the younger follows suit.

"Ready?"

"Yeah, yeah. Take it from the top, Kaoru."

He clears his throat and shifts, doing his best to visualize an audience of ogling girls. Once he can picture them asking questions about their family life, he starts.

"Well, it's not too bad, not having the parents around. Sometimes I feel all alone, but..."

A warm hand rests on top of Kaoru's. When he turns his head, Hikaru is giving him a tender gaze, free hand resting on his chest.

"Don't be silly, Kaoru. You're never alone, don't you know that? You'll always have me at your side."

"Hikaru..."

At this point, the twins have managed to bite down their laughter, and could begin to recite the sappiest of lines in their sleep. Reading a lot of shoujo manga and watching enough romantic comedies to put a heartbroken teen to shame was a solid remedy to understanding what their target audience wanted.

Still. Something was off this time around. Hikaru pulls back at this point, they both nod, decide if they need to tweak anything else, and call it good. Instead, their hands are still laced, and Kaoru finds him moving closer, closer...

"Nii-san?"

When their foreheads touch, the younger twin turns a little red.

"Nii-san, what are you doing? I don't think this was a part of our plan, I - "

Kaoru wasn't given the chance to finish that sentence. Shades of red and gold fill his vision, soon becoming a hazy blur until he finds himself liplocked.

What he does next, surprises even himself.

Instead of pushing, or protesting, pale arms slip around Hikaru's neck, roping him in closer to deepen the kiss. Why he did that, Kaoru couldn't say. Something odd had sprung forth that had taken root and blossomed in his chest, something warm. He felt it spread up to his fingertips and through his toes, up his spine and into his very bones.

Whatever this sensation was, he liked it. He liked it quite a bit, and, judging from the way Hikaru let his hands rest on his hips, so did he.

Too bad it didn't last. Soon, the elder twin pulls back, lips curling upward into a faint smile.

"Hikaru?"

"I wanted to see if maybe kissing would help. Do you think it's too much?"

Kaoru laughs, sinking back into the grass. Was that what the kiss was for? No, it couldn't have been just that. Both of them have never laid their hands on another person in their life, which means -

"You do realize you just took my first kiss, right?"

"Oh, like it's a big deal. That was mine, too."

"That doesn't bother you?"

"Course not. I mean, did it bother you? Guess I should've asked..."

"Nah. I would've pushed you off if I minded, so don't worry about it. Sides, you never think about anything, you just do it, so, you asking probably would've caught me more off guard."

Both of them grin.

"Seriously, though. Too much?"

"Well, maybe. We're only fourteen, nii-san. These girls are in high school. Feels a bit...creepy, don't you think? We should wait until we're older to make it our selling point."

"Good idea."

Kaoru rests his hands on his stomach, glancing up at the sky. Hikaru stretches, letting out a yawn before taking to his brother's side.

"Hey...was that the only reason you kissed me?"

"Yeah. Why?"

The younger pinches his brother's cheek, then smiles.

"Liar."

"Ow, hey, hey - okay, fine. I, uh...well, we've never kissed anybody before, right?"

"Yeah, and?"

"I...wanted to know what it felt like."

"Nerd."

"Hardly. You can't tell me you weren't curious, too."

"Maybe, but you and I both know who's got better control over their emoti - scowl all you want, Hikaru, you know I'm right."

After a moment, the elder relinquishes his mock glare, expression softening.

"...was it okay?"

"The kiss? I mean, yeah. You're...you're not a bad kisser."

Kaoru made a note of mentally slapping himself. Why would he even _add_ that information? That wasn't even what Hikaru asked him.

"You're not bad yourself."

Pause. Both of them break into laughter before an arm slips around the younger's shoulders.

"Just curious."

"Fair enough."

Silence settles over, one that they get cozy with as the sun continues to bleed over the horizon. While neither twin knew it yet, a new chapter was unfolding right beneath them.

They had become undone, and redone in the same turn. Flowers were not the only thing that was growing under the summer sunset.

 

†

"Well, I _am_ impressed! That was perfect!"

September was making a great promise; today was the official opening of the Host Club, and all the members had fallen into their respective roles. So far, Tamaki was in the lead with the largest request of clients, but the twins managed to pull up right behind him.

"They certainly did better than I expected." Kyoya runs through his book, flicking through the pages with the faintest of smirks.

"I knew Hika-chan and Kao-chan could do it!" Hani grins over at them both, arms hanging over Mori's shoulders. Mori simply nods in response.

"See? You were worked up for nothing." Both of the twins chant in unison, grinning.

"Me? Worked up? Not at all!" Tamaki runs his fingers through his hair again. "I knew you two would do just fine!"

"If I recall, Tamaki, you were the one telling me that you were the most concerned."

A grumble.

"Nobody asked you, Kyoya."

All laugh, and all linger in the good spirit of Music Room Number Three.

(This was going to be better than either could have hoped.)


	7. Shifting Tides

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> time waits for nobody, not even them, but that doesn't mean they won't do what they can to barricade the doors shut before the flood comes rushing in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: My apologies for keeping you guys waiting for so long! School's been keeping me busy, and what time I would have to write/edit my work has been going towards original stories, so I had to place this on the back burner for a bit.
> 
> At any rate, while I'm mainly working in terms of one-shots and making big jumps in time, I still want there to be a smooth arch from beginning to end. This chapter is mainly a transition - I'm getting ready to launch into the series. From this point on, I'm mainly working off of the anime, since I'm still reading the manga, so some things here will have a different backstory.
> 
> I hope you enjoy! Leave feedback, favorites, whatever you'd like.
> 
> (p.s. I know the twins are assholes. I mean, you can't expect them to be all nice and excited about being in the club, even if some time has passed. Really takes them a while to fully appreciate what's happened and where they are, y'know?)

_She said she should have known better._

Time, with its tides brushing at the skins of any ankles that stood idle at the shore, made sure it waited for no one. All find themselves wandering; swept up and consumed by the vast entity that is one great 'what-will-be' from the receding land of' what-has-been'.

They think this is what time had in mind, the changes. Them slipping into a new set of slacks and blazers. Fingers gripping longer schedules with just the right hints of apprehension.

High school was here. Shadows of uncertainty linger between laced fingers; going into the building for the purpose of the Host Club was one thing, but to live it daily?

"Hey."

Only the ebb of her twin's voice is enough to lull Kaoru back into the present, hazel irises flickering over an identical visage.

"Something wrong?"

"No. Why?"

Hikaru lets out a 'tut,' ivory digits brushing through red locks in a gesture to soothe the budding anxiety. Yes, of course something is wrong, she is nervous and not-quite-sure what to anticipate next, for despite their coming from the same damn building over on the other end of the campus, it appeared to her that many questions asked over things past had not yet answered back.

A gap, open.

"...it's nothing." She admits after a stretch of silence sits on either side of them. "Nothing serious, I mean. Just a little nervous, you know?"

"For what? It's not like we're going anywhere new, or seeing different faces. It's the same ol' thing in the same location. What's exciting about that?"

"Yes, I know."

Kaoru raises her hand, thumb rubbing her chin while she gazes off at the window that separates them from the chauffeur. "I'm just thinking."

"About what?"

"Questions."

She wants to know if this 'he/she' split she felt compelled to navigate between was something of a phase. If she'd ever just feel 'okay' being _one_ gender. If it was odd for her to be sixteen and not-exactly 'horny' all the time unless she felt a connection.

If what they shared meant something, something more.

"Hey, look."

An identical hand is placed on her own, bringing her attention back to Hikaru. How stunning she had become, Kaoru muses, admiring the growth in her twin's hair and the height she's since achieved. Then again, she looks exactly the same, so by default, she expressed surprise in _both_ of their developmental changes.

"We don't have to have everything figured out, y'know. We just have to make sure other people don't know that."

"Not even Tono, yes?"

"Not even Tono."

"Fair enough." And Kaoru's lips quirk into a slight smile. "It's not like they need to understand anything about us."

"Not at all." Hikaru's expression is fit to match. "Our lives aren't their business. We're just here to kill a little more time."

"For how long, though? We've been doing this for a year. I thought we were going to quit after this, to be honest."

A resounding sigh escapes the elder's lips, head resting on her arm. Her expression reflects one of disappointment; boredom, even. "I was thinking so, too, but now that we're in high school, I get the feeling the Host Club will come and chase us down if we don't stay. Besides, that Ootori kid is in the group. He knows everything about us."

"I forgot about him." Kaoru's brows knit together, eyes narrowing. "What a pest."

"A problem, really."

Pause.

"You know, Hikaru, I don't see why we're letting ourselves be intimidated in the first place. The Hitachiin name alone, should it be pulled out of this school's stock, is enough to put that chairman into the middle class."

A smirk appears on the elder's features as she nods. Yes, they could bail out if they had to, and wield the prestige of their family name should it get too sticky.

"You're right."

And they both found such an odd satisfaction in the thought, but at the same time –

"... it's easier to play this by ear. We can entertain them for just a bit longer, wouldn't you say, Kaoru? We're not losing on anything, anyway. We keep Tono pleased with our presence, and his little club gives us our daily entertainment."

"For once, your foresight is impressive."

"Rude."

A grin, followed by a gentle punch to the shoulder.

"So violent, Hikaru."

"Don't be coy, you know that I love you, even when you're smug."

"I don't know what you're talking about. You love me even when I'm _not_. Besides, one of us - "

" - has to be the brains. Blah, blah, you only say that every day."

She rolls her eyes, although her smile stays in place.

"Well, we stay, and get our thrills, which is fine...but you failed to account for when we get bored. What should we do then?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Hikaru's expression takes a darker edge, lips twitching into quite the twisted smirk while her eyes become half-lidded.

"We leave when we want, and if they try to stop us, well..."

Most would be intimidated by such a cruel ideology; then again, Kaoru was not most people - while being outright manipulative was not nearly as high on her list of priorities as it was for Hikaru, there was some delight she got out of watching her twin being this cutthroat, this persistent.

So she wears the same smirk, nodding in agreement.

"We raise hell."

 

†

 

"Class, we have a new student coming into Ouran Academy today."

The room hereby known as 1-A was, at present, talking amongst itself, bodies shifting in chairs as whispers are shared until the teacher's voice disrupts the conversation. Soon, all fall silent, myriad eyes placed towards the front.

"Please give a warm welcome to Haruhi Fujioka."

Many students respond with a polite 'hello.' A few are even more encouraging - they offer for him (maybe her, but neither twin can quite tell) to take a seat in their designated group.

"Look at him." Hikaru is first in tearing at this eccentric being. "His clothes are so cheap. Doesn't he care about his appearance at all?"

"Now nii-san, don't be so mean." Kaoru murmurs in mock-pity, leaning close so their discussion didn't circulate through the classroom. "That's the Honor Student coming in from the public junior high. Can't you tell?"

"Oh, yeah." A snort. "Well, that explains the hovel of an outfit he's wearing. I've seen a blind man dress better, to be honest."

A chuckle leaves the younger's throat as he glances at his sibling. Between the pair of them, their distance amounted to nearly nothing - why, they were so close, they might as well just -

"You're absolutely dreadful, Hikaru."

"You can't tell me that you're not enjoying it too, Kaoru."

He was. Truly, he was, so much so that it became his way of taking comfort in his still-present anxiety. Even though he was left wondering, even though it had appeared change was coming their way, one thing stayed constant.

Us, and them. Let nobody in. Keep them out, at any cost, at all costs. No amount of time spent in the Host Club would change that. Even if - and Kaoru admits this with a grain of salt - they didn't mind the other club members, they were still being kept at bay, just like everybody else. Sure, there could be laughter shared, jokes told, and memories made, but they were superficial at best. At the end of the day, no other bond was more important, nor would it ever be.

But that did not mean that tests weren't waiting for them to see if their bond could bear the weight of the world on their shoulders.

 

†

 

When that strange, strange Honor Student comes barreling into the doors, the pair of them are surprised, to say the least.

Of course, everybody seemed to have their initial reactions. Tamaki and Hani were simply ecstatic. Kyouya and Mori didn't look like they cared one way, or the other.

Which might explain why they now had a little 'servant' to go do their bidding.

"I think this will be beneficial!" Tamaki brushes some strands of hair back, looking all-too-pleased with his declaration. "Just think of what we can get done, now that we don't have to worry about doing errands ourselves!"

"It will save us time." Kyouya makes notes in his notebook, brow raised. "Which, in turn, enables us to see our customers more..."

"I just think it's neat to have somebody else around!" Hani grins. Mori, for all of his eloquence, merely nods and utters a 'mhm'.

"Let's just hope he knows what he's doing." Both twins respond, poses identical as they rest their chins in their hands.

"I don't see why not. Mr. Fujioka is an Honor Student, no? And commoners possess an interesting worth of knowledge about them. I have no doubt that he won't let us down."

Meeting adjourned. The twins head out first, navigating the vast hallways of the school.

"How ironic," Kaoru begins "that the same commoner who's in our classroom ends up being our errand boy, ne?"

"Really ironic." Hikaru agrees.

"What do you make of it, nii-san?"

"Well, I think it'd be nice to have a little lap-dog do our dirty work." A shrug. "But otherwise, I'm not really inclined to care. Why?"

"Merely curious. I just want to know why we're holding him to this debt in the first place. It's not like we can't buy the same vase."

"You're right, but you know Kyouya would be upset at a lost profit. I'm sure that's the only reason that Fujioka kid is around."

"That's true."

The rest of their journey is spent in idle chatter. How the few weeks of school had panned out. Whose ass would get kicked in video games tonight. If they could trick their maids again. Nothing unusual.

Oh, but how naive they both were at the shift in the seas. Time would not wait for them just as it wouldn't for any other, and it had plans to change many things. Whether or not this was to their benefit, well –

One can only see so far out from the shoreline.


	8. caving walls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you get more than you bargained for when you try and make people your toys - guess it'll be a two-for-one sale, instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: And I present to you, chapter eight. A reviewer of mine thought it'd be interesting to see how Haruhi influences the twins (since I think she's agender, but doesn't mind feminine pronoun use). Of course, the twins are coming out with information on more than just their own genders, and all I can say is that I'm too excited to write the next chapter (because hint: there will be smut. Plenty of it.)
> 
> Enjoy! Feedback is appreciated, and favorites always make me happy to see!

_He said that this is the first time the walls have come down._

"So you're really a...girl?"

"Biologically speaking, yes."

And there's a shrug from Haruhi as she admits that she was assigned female at birth, small hands fixing and smoothing over her yellow dress. "But it doesn't matter to me whether I'm a boy, or a girl. I think what's more important is the content of your character."

Her sentence ends with a slight tilt of her head and a gentle smile, one that makes Tamaki turn the darkest shade of red. Everybody else watches on in amusement, leaving the Host Club to end on an interesting, yet satisfying note.

Almost satisfying, that is.

Again, the twins find themselves discussing the commoner as they head home, legs crossed in the opposite direction while identical hands occupy their own laps.

"A girl, huh?"

"I don't know. She – or they – didn't looked like she didn't care what we called her."

Kaoru knits his brows after he finishes speaking. Hikaru narrows his eyes toward the leather seat in front of him, fingers smoothing over an absent bump in his uniform.

"...do you think that means something, Kaoru?"

"I...maybe. Maybe it does."

For a moment, only the sound of the elder twin swallowing down a lump in his throat reverberated.

"Does that...does that mean we're not alone? That we're not so - "

"Different?"

How odd. Thinking they weren't alone. That perhaps, somebody else, somebody within their proximity, had also possessed a relationship to their gender that was not a simple one plus one equation.

"Yeah. Different...like, maybe Haruhi just doesn't identify with any gender. And we...

"We identify with two genders."

Another pause, before Hikaru runs his fingers through his hair and starts to laugh. Laugh so hard he slumps against the backseat, shaking his head and gripping his torso with the embrace of his arms.

Kaoru says nothing, but he knew why the sudden outburst came when it did. After all, this felt like they were five again, playing stupid math games to understand whether or not boy plus boy added up to girl, if it was okay to sometimes see their genitalia as rather long clits instead of just a penis, if sometimes wanting to wear dresses and long hair just made them crossdressers, or authentic women.

If any of this was even 'normal' in the first place.

"Kaoru...why can't we just be boys all the time? Why does it have to feel weird to use male pronouns and shit on certain days?"

"Hikaru - "

"I was hoping this feeling would go away, you know?" He gives another laugh, although the expression on his visage was reflective of pain. "That maybe we'd grow out of it, or something..."

Silence.

"I don't know, I'm just being dumb."

"You're not being dumb. Come here."

Bodies shift as they get closer; one of Kaoru's hands rest on the small of his twin's back, while the other cusps his cheek.

"You know I feel the same way about all this. I was starting to think that, well, if we kept feeling this way, then maybe it means something, right? We can start doing some research so maybe we have a word for it.

A sigh. The elder leans into the touch, fingers brushing along the nape of his younger brother's neck. Kaoru wasn't sure why, but that felt oddly delightful, the sensation. His stroke. He thinks he would like more of that to happen, but instead tries to keep his mind on the current situation.

"You're right. It'd probably be helpful, right? And maybe we can start figuring out ways to be more comfortable about it."

"Definitely..."

"And I've got an idea on where to start."

"Is that so? What's your plan, nii-san?"

"What, isn't it obvious? We need information from that commoner, and what better way to get it then to make her our little toy? "

For the rest of the ride home, they linger in the conversation and the touches, providing a comfort that could not be rivaled. It's only when they reach the front gates that they start to disentangle, but not without Hikaru pressing a kiss a few-inches-too-close too close to Kaoru's lips.

Behind the walls of the iron fortress, the empire is changing.\

 

†

 

"Hey, Haruhi. We've got a favor to ask you."

Identical hearts beat with excitement. After configuring plans and assessing how best to use Haruhi, the game was now to begin.

"Yeah, what is it?"

"The next time we have some time off, can we come over to your place?"

"No way."

"Aw, pretty please?"

"No way in hell."

Both pout, although proceed to heckle and harass at will. It's only after an awkward visit from Nekozawa and some sniggering that motion sets in.

"Cut it out, no more making weird pictures of me, or messing around with me. Just what am I to you, anyway?"

"Well, isn't that obvious?"

Symmetric al smirks cross their features, honey-colored irises teeming with what one might determine is a combination of amusement and desire for conquest.

"You're our toy."

A cascade follows thereafter; it's proceeded by an explanation of how people operate to the twins, followed by a simple request: unless Haruhi is able to win the Which One is Hikaru game, she will be forced to bring them along to her house, where they can proceed to analyze her and assess her relationship to her gender in better detail.

A foolproof idea, really. Nobody can tell them apart, so it's the perfect way to coerce her into agreement.

"Okay, so which one's Hikaru?"

Haruhi points at them, one after the other with such confidence that it almost makes them dizzy because where does she get off being so smug about thinking she can distinguish a pair of perfectly identical twins?

She can't.

"This one's Hikaru, and that one's Kaoru."

She _can't._

"Uh-oh, you got it wrong!"

She _**can't.**_

"...No. I know I'm right. You two may look alike, but your speech and actions are very different."

She can't, but she _**does.**_ Girls are clapping and appraising her sharp eye, asking how she did it, how she did it so well and she says it's so obvious like everybody should just be able to do it.

"...Hikaru's speech and actions...make him come across as more mischievous than Kaoru."

No. No, no no that was impossible, she can't infer that from a three second glance and Spirits it is making the twins so anxious that it feels like the world is colliding down on their heads -

Both of them spare a quick glance at each other and decide to act, fast. Just because she managed to get it right - without guessing - doesn't mean they were going to abandon their original plan. Questions still ache for answers. Besides, chaos in the Host Club was exactly what they needed in order to leave the space and reassemble their thoughts.

So Kaoru laughs. He laughs at Haruhi's comment and Plan B: _The Twins Fight,_ goes into action.

 

†

 

"This should do it."

Lithe digits hold up a single box exclaiming its purpose as temporary hair dye. Since short-term color didn't come with as many vibrant options, the pair stuck with pink and blue as a go-to.

"Good job, Kaoru. Now we'll just go shower, put the shit in, and - "

" - convince everybody we hate each other so much that we went and got permanent dye-jobs."

A satisfied nod is shared between them. Kaoru is tasked to double-check the script and assign color, while Hikaru grabs some towels and prepares their shower.

"I think we could do to add a part where I say that I stopped sleeping in the same bed as you."

"Probably a sound idea. Maybe also put in there that I say I'm glad I'm not mistaken for you anymore, either. It's got to be authentic."

"Got it."

For all of their eventful planning, neither brings up Haruhi's astounding ability to tell them apart. Not once. Talking about it would make it seem too real, would make them have to admit that somebody has managed to pry apart the rusted chain, open the gate, and see the ones who hid behind its protection.

"Nii-san?"

"Hm?"

He offers a gentle smile, setting the pencil down. Even if they don't bring it up, it's clear that they were still mulling it over. "Will you shower with me? I might need a little help with this gunk."

In return, the elder stops folding the towels and smiles back. "You're ridiculous, Kaoru. We always shower together, why are you asking me now?"

"Maybe I'm feeling a little sentimental."

Knowing what meaning lay behind those words, he walks over to his younger brother and gives his shoulders a slight squeeze. "You talk like something's changed. It hasn't. Okay?"

He runs his hands over Hikaru's, fingertips brushing over the knuckles to check that he wasn't a phantom.

"Okay."

And those become words Kaoru clings to harder than even Hikaru might ever fathom.

 

†

 

She did it again.

Haruhi did it again. Guessed right, of course. It took her no time at all to figure out that they swapped out their hair colors, and were now lying to the entire Host Club because hey, they would never know either way, right?

"Hmph." She's all smug about it, too, smiling their way before walking off. Of course, the pair stares at her back, identical visages locked in a frown and ivory fingers wrapped up together.

How did she do it. How. Hikaru was beginning to think she was something divine, like an unsung answer to never-said prayers. Granted, a part of the elder thinks she doesn't like it much, but at the same time, she was almost _elated_ to think that somebody actually saw her for who she was, and not the abstract entity that she and Kaoru had become over the years.

For her, this was a near-exciting change.

Kaoru, on the other hand, is somewhere between being impressed, and terrified.

Impressed, because she never thought she'd see the day where somebody would figure out the careful construction that became their barrier. Frightened, because she knew that for the first time in their life, there was somebody else that had registered on their radar. Somebody who entered the Us-Them divide as an apparition who was not affected by their fortress.

(For once, the rulers think their castle is a lonely and strange place to be now that they know other ki


	9. It's an Exploration, Pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maybe you're just messing with my affections, but you've got me hooked and i want you to make an exploration out of me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, I kind of lied. I said smut would be here, but it's not. My reason for that is mainly that:
> 
> a) I had to build the tension a bit more and  
> b) I'm making this a two-shot since they're so close in time to each other.
> 
> The second part's going to be more Hikaru-centric, so you can make more sense of why there's a lot of this touching and the like. It'll help me lead into the smut more smoothly, and it helps to kind of keep you all on your toes so that when we do come to it, you'll (hopefully) feel satisfied because God why aren't they having sex already.
> 
> Also, my apologies! I realize there's some typos in a few of my chapters. It's because I get excited to post, so when I copy-paste from my writing program to Word, some things get messed up. I'll try to go back and fix them, as well as be more mindful in future chapters.
> 
> All things aside, enjoy! Leave your feedback, favorites, etc, while I try to get this damn song stuck out of my head.

_She said she had wanted this longer than she ever let on._

_"Arabella's got some interstellar-gator skin boots_  
and a helter skelter 'round her little finger   
and I ride it endlessly..."

"It's a bit quiet today, don't you think?"

Beats pump through the speakers as the sun sits in peak position. Today, they welcomed the first day of summer, having woken up around noon with outstretched limbs and painted nails.

Both of them think this year has brought welcome changes, really. Maybe not at first, but now that they’re adjusted, they see Haruhi as a welcome friend, as is the rest of the Host Club. It was becoming easier to laugh with (not at) their classmates, participate in more discussion, and be a little more transparent with their agenda. Granted, they still kept much of themselves at bay, but for once, they let their toes take a dive into the deep end.

Perhaps, because of it, other things began to click, too - although Kaoru still has her qualms with the way some things seem to be changing, she is more content than anything. Having a label to things, like her sexual and gender identity, brought a comfort she did not want to lose, and she was certain Hikaru felt the same.

 _"She's got a Barbarella silver swimsuit_  
and when she needs to shelter from reality   
she takes a dip in my daydreams..."

"A little bit." The elder hums, twirling the brush between her fingertips. "Hey, do you think this is an okay color on me, Kaoru?"

"How many times do I have to remind you that blue has and always will be your color?"

A smile slips onto her porcelain visage as she glances over at her sibling.

"I just like to hear you say it, you know."

"That's because you're an attention hoarder."

"So what if I am?" Hikaru sighs, flopping down on the bed while swinging her legs. "You enjoy giving it to me."

Kaoru would call her a liar, but there was too much truth stuffed into that little statement. Of course she loved giving her older sibling attention, because she thinks she might like her sibling a little more than she even let on.

 _"My days end best when this sunset gets itself_  
behind that little lady sitting on the passenger side  
it's much less picturesque without her catching the light  
the horizon tries but it's just not as kind on the eyes..."

See, she figured out that she was likely demisexual, being that she hasn't had many sexual fantasies outside of Hikaru. Of course, when you get stuck only wanting to be touched by your own twin, well, the frustration tends to mount. It's not like you want to out yourself and admit that you just can't get hard to the thought of anything else.

"Kaoru..."

"Hmm?"

"Your nails dry?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Come here."

It should be added that the frustration was not helped when said sibling seems to border on the thought of incest as well, taking some odd delight in exploring your anatomy.

Not that she would ever protest.

_"As Arabella  
as Arabella…”_

"Yes, onii-san?"

"Not there, silly. Here." And she pats her lap, to which the younger crawls into, lanky arms slipping around Hikaru's neck.

"Well, I'm here." Kaoru quips, eyes glimmering with amusement.

"Are you?" Lithe fingers begin to trace along the curve of her spine, earning a shudder. "Or are you just stuck in my daydreams?"

A chuckle. "You're letting this band get to your head."

"Can't help it. Americans may be ruining their country, but at least they've got a decent music selection."

Her hands wander further, further, further. They run over Kaoru's hipbones, over her ribcage, chest, collarbones, and neck -

"Mmn...onii-san, what are you - "

"You looked tense." She thinks Hikaru's voice is too low, too sultry in the crook of her neck to pass it off as an innocent massage, but she doesn't say another word - instead, she returns the gesture, fingers dipping along the elder twin's neck and shoulders.

Only when they are summoned for lunch do they part, but the sensation of constellations having been traced on Kaoru's skin has yet to leave her.

 

†

 

Only a few days pass before the antics flair up again.

Tamaki is telling them that he thinks Haruhi was kidnapped, only to have that debunked by Kyouya. In a five-way tango, the Host Club sorts out the truth: Haruhi was in Karuizawa, working for her father's friend at a little pension.

Now, all of this could only mean one thing -

"Gentlemen!" Tamaki screeches. "We've got a duty to protect our Haruhi!"

"Idiot." Kyouya mumbles.

"Boss, do we really need to go see Haruhi?" Hikaru grumbles into the speaker. Who thought the morning was a brilliant invention? "It's only been a week, you can't tell me you're already that desperate to see her."

"So what? She might be in danger! We can't just...just _leave_ her there all by her lonesome! We must go see her at once!"

After an eventual agreement, all parties hang up. The elder tosses the phone toward the end of the mattress, propping his chin in his hand.

"It has been a minute, hasn't it? Things just aren't as much fun without her..."

Kaoru says nothing; he merely watches his brother go off into thought while his own begin to spin.

No fun? Sigh. Of course. How transparent is his twin? It's quite clear that he has forged a crush on Haruhi. Who wouldn't? She was quite the charmer, and she had effectively destroyed their, what Kaoru once thought was, unbreakable walls.

Should it come as a surprise, then? It shouldn't really matter, yet the longer he dwells on it, the more he wants to vomit. What if Hikaru is slipping from him? Were the touches inauthentic? Maybe he was visualizing her in Kaoru's place -

"Hey."

Hikaru's voice brings him back to the reality of things, enough to make the unsettling sensation that was creeping into his gut settle to a dull ache.

"Yeah?"

"Relax. I know Karuizawa isn't the most exciting place, but maybe we'll have fun there, don't you think? Besides, we haven't done a thing all week but be lazy. I say we go."

A hum. Kaoru didn't expect his brother to know exactly what was bothering him (as he was trying his best to conceal that), but just the fact that Hikaru acknowledged his distress was enough for the moment.

"I hope we don't keel over from boredom. There isn't exactly much to do in that town."

At this response, the elder smirks, leaning in so his lips brushed along his twin's ear.

"With you and me there, Kaoru, we can make it interesting."

Electric pleasure runs down his spine at the words, and he only murmurs a single response:

"I can't wait to see what you have in mind, Hikaru."

 

†

 

Pension Misuzu only has enough room for one guest, which could only mean -

"Why don't we play a game?"

Games, games. Always games with them, and it's enough to make Tamaki agitated. He's the one who should clearly stay here with Haruhi, not those infernal dopplegangers.

Still. As the twins explain with quite the gusto, it's clear that Misuzu herself is pleased to hear that, and announces it as an official course of action.

And so, they play. Hani isn't cut for the game, and Kyouya doesn't care. Mori does well, of course, but the twins stay neck-in-neck with him, and at first, they don't even see Tamaki as competition, until he's playing on the piano and catching quite the number of people.

' _Kyouya's created a monster_.'

It looked like it was about to be over, but luck handed itself over to the twins in the end - thanks to the falling vase, and Kaoru's act to protect Haruhi, they pull a 'refreshing brotherly love act' from their back pockets and net the game for themselves.

At what cost, however?

"Hikaru, I'm fine."

The pair sits perched on what is now their bedroom for the next little while. Kaoru's hand is atop Hikaru's, whose whole arm is shaking so hard he's got to squeeze it tight just to temper it.

"Hey, at least we won, right? We didn't even have to resort to the 'Quarreling Brothers' strategy."

"Hmph."

For a while, they say nothing, before -

"I just don't like you getting hurt, Kaoru."

"It's just a - "

"What if it took out your eye or something?" He says this through baited breath, lifting his head toward his younger twin with anxiety written all over his face. "Or gave you a concussion, or, or - "

"Hikaru. Stop."

He cusps the elder's features in his palms, thumb rubbing over a cheekbone. "You're freaking yourself out over a little scratch. I'm fine. I'm not dead, or knocked out, or minus an eyeball, k?"

Slowly, he nods. God, what was wrong with him. It's not normal to make yourself that upset over something as menial as a cut, is it?

Abnormal as his worry may be, however, Kaoru finds it endearing. Comforting. It's these kinds of moments - these, and their interest in each other's bodily exploration - that makes him believe there is a surge they both might share. Even if Hikaru had a crush on her, he could suspend his disbelief by submitting to this sensation, this intimacy, this -

"Kaoru."

He blinks, and tilts his head a little. Another round of silence hits them as they hold onto each other, but he swears (even as he would look back on this in later years) that they were about to kiss as their foreheads are pressed together, and their breath seems to combine so that when one twin exhaled, the other inhaled. Took the other in.

Karuizawa holds a lot of secrets in store, and their travel would lead them to the Keeper in due time.

_"Just might have tapped into your mind and soul  
you can't be sure..."_


	10. It's an Exploration, Pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sometimes it takes a few seasons before things can grow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: What better way to celebrate my entry into the tenth chapter by smutting it up? I think nothing.
> 
> I realized that I forgot some episodes that would be great for exploring, such as the Zuka Club. I think what I'll do is I'll keep going with the main arc, but maybe include bonus chapters once this series is finished off, or even place them in between to give people a break from the overarching plotline.
> 
> At any rate, I hope you enjoy! Please do leave your feedback. Let me know how the flow feels, plot, if something is off, etc. Favorites are definitely also appreciated. I can tell you that, I wrote this fanfiction about three months ago, and now I've gotten about three thousand total views! You are all so amazing, and thank you for sticking with me!
> 
> (p.s. I listened to the same song for about five hours to get this done, so I hope you like all six thousand words.)

_And he said he had wanted this longer than he had let on._

There are three things that Hikaru understands in the present moment as he swirls an empty drink around with a jaded glare fitting his visage:

1\. This guy, Arai? Didn't like him.   
**2**. Haruhi wasn't paying attention to him. (And that was a hell of a problem right there.)  
 **3**. Kaoru was being sweet and keeping him company, even though he was nothing short of exploding, stomach turning and twisting like he swallowed a cage full of snakes.

"Look at them, laughing like that." He's all fire and brimstone about it, honey-tinted irises narrowing once more as he turns his back on the group. "Makes me sick to my stomach."

Kaoru does not respond with a sigh or a roll of his eyes; rather, he places a hand on Hikaru's thigh from underneath the counter, the result of which makes the elder feel calmer.

"What should we do, Hikaru? They're having a lot of fun over there, we could join them."

"No, I'm not going to." And he raises his voice, shooting another dirty look their way because God why weren't they paying attention to him already? "Pretty obvious this guy has a thing for Haruhi! It's sickening to try and watch him flirt, ugh."

"Hikaru, that's not something for you to - "

"No, no, he's right you know." Arai just laughs it off, hand behind his head . "I did have a thing for you once."

Called it. He definitely called that out with ease, but was pretty upset to hear Arai admit it so candidly. How can _he_ have a thing for Haruhi, too? Tamaki already had a pretty obvious crush, if another person came swinging in and tried to swoop her off her feet, well -

He just couldn't let that happen. As a group, the Host Club – and the twins - hadn't any friends on the outside, so why let some intruder come barging in like he deserved to be here?

Nobody else seems to realize this, though. They all just keep talking to him, as if he belonged. Tamaki gets excited, flustering over the guest. Everybody else humors him, soaks up his story as he recalls what life was like with her back in middle school. Has everybody lost their Goddamn minds or -

"Hikaru, Kaoru!"

"Hm?" Kaoru glances over, expression content. For him, he would have preferred to join the table, but he couldn't bring himself to leave Hikaru. Besides, if somebody didn't keep him and his seething temper a little company, he fears it'd only be worse.

"Get over here! This may be our only chance to hear what Haruhi was like during middle school!"

Still. Nothing is enough to keep the elder from trying his hardest to snatch up the conversation.

"Sorry, but I'm not interested. Man, how stupid can you guys get, where's the fun in sitting around and talking about somebody's past? I don't see the appeal. Besides, doesn't that guy realize Haruhi doesn't want anything to do with him? She's got plenty of friends, so she doesn't need you around, get it?"

A moment of silence falls around the group Only the shift of wood and rumble of glass is heard as Haruhi stands up, marches over, and -

**SLAP!**

Kaoru keeps watching, although he lets out a bit of an internal sigh. If anything, he understands why Haruhi is upset with him, and (maybe) Hikaru needed that, but she didn't know either twin well enough to realize that such a violent action only stirs the sleeping dragon.

Which is why he doesn't bat an eyelash when his brother coils up and rebounds with all the anger he's got.

"...but why? Why should anybody else matter to you?" Slamming his hand down on the table, Hikaru rises to his feet and intimidates with all five feet and nine inches that he's got. "I thought we were your friends! Are we or aren't we?!?"

Everything else is a blur. He runs up the stairs to collect whatever dignity he can manage. Only Kaoru's shout registers on his radar, but he doesn't stop until he can reach the bedroom first, flopping down on the bed in a heap of confusion.

Nothing made sense. Haruhi was upset with him, and he didn't even know why. Okay, maybe he was a little rude, so what? He was just being a good friend by expressing his disdain for having competition in the realm of friendship.

Right?

"That's some temper you got there. Aren't you a bit old for that?"

Kaoru steps in and enters the room with such grace that it makes Hikaru's head spin. Always the calm one, his brother. Sometimes he wishes he had that level of rationality in his own emotional outbursts. Maybe then he wouldn't always feel like his feelings weren't trying to eat him alive.

"Don't pretend like you weren't upset, too."

“Well, maybe I was, but..."

The younger twin shuts the door behind him and takes a seat on the mattress. For the next little while, they exchange a discussion, the main idea being that, at some point, Hikaru should suck up some of his ego and go apologize to their guest.

"Like hell I will." He murmurs after a moment of silence, turning towards Kaoru with a scowl. "Why should I apologize?"

"You're denser than my French textbook." He rolls his eyes, although a smile is still on his face. Even if Hikaru was stubborn as a mule and sometimes threw tantrums like he was a five year old, he was still Kaoru's closest bond and dearest sibling. Why, he even found all of those traits endearing (and attractive) in his own, odd way.

"How?"

"Don't worry about it for now, you need to calm down. Just give me your clothes so I can go smooth things over."

"My clothes? What? No way, you're not gonna go apologize for me, I want him to know I don't like him."

Pause. Kaoru lets out a bit of a hum, then grins.

"Not even if I take them off for you?"

 

†

 

"So, Haruhi, what do you wanna do?"

If Hikaru thought that nothing made sense before, well, now it _really_ didn't add up. Yes, he knew that Kaoru was lying about not feeling well, but he pulled the stunt so fast that he left Hikaru with no choice but to accept, so now he had to go on a date in order to 'make amends' or some shit like that.

But none of that explained why he was feeling the way he was.

An odd combination of anxiety and anticipation filled him. On the one hand, he got Haruhi's attention (like he wanted), and got to try and get to know her better, but on the other, well -

He was missing Kaoru. Wanted to be in his company for longer, maybe go back to yesterday when the younger twin sat on his lap and started to strip him of his clothes with a look that made him want to grind his hips and kiss those lips.

Wait, what?

No, no no. That's not something you're supposed to want to do, even though he'd been aching to do it for quite some time. After all, they had done a number of things that could count for questionable, what was a little more?

Oh, but it was kind of nice to be with Haruhi. Now might be another moment in which he could focus on figuring out other things -

Then again, he could be -

"Hikaru? Are you okay? You look like you're gonna be sick."

"What?" So busy was he in his own conundrum that he didn't even realize he was grimacing and fidgeting the whole time.

Stupid feelings.

"I'm fine." And, upon remembering Kaoru's warning about being a decent gentleman, he tries to smile a bit. "Just thinking."

"I didn't know you were capable of it."

"That's low."

But they share a laugh, and push through the tension by grabbing some ice cream. Everything thereafter sort of 'clicks', becomes something that both of them begin to enjoy as they tread through the town.

Perhaps, Kaoru thinks as he watches their backs grow smaller from his perching point, this really is what Hikaru needs. That it was time to accept that their world was stretching little by little and that he needed to begin to try and let go of those silly, one-sided feelings.

 

†

Except those silly, one-sided feelings find no such rest with everything to come.

As it turns out, Arai manages to have some (bad) timing by appearing in the middle of the date, upsetting Hikaru so much that he bolts off just as a thunderstorm comes rolling in. Only after being prodded by Tamaki does he go find (and apologize) to Haruhi, bring her back, and earn a bit of a lecture.

"Welcome back." Having waited in the bedroom, Kaoru offers a towel, smiling a little.

"Please don't chew me out. I heard enough from the boss." Hikaru takes it, rubbing his hair dry while he starts to slither his way out of his clothes.

"I wasn't going to, even if he didn't."

Silence pursues them; only the noise of sopping wet clothes hitting the floor and the shifting through dressers manages to break though. Only when the elder is back in his original outfit does he turn towards Kaoru with a rather soft expression.

"Can we go outside? I don't want to keep hearing them talk downstairs."

"Sure." The younger heads over to the closet and grabs a spare blanket, as he figures they'd be hanging out there for a while. "Let's go."

Exiting towards the back, they find themselves surrounded by quite the spacious lot - June delivered to them an array of blossoming flowers that cover a good portion of the yard. Trees stretch feet above them, leaves spreading out as it provides a sort of 'cover' for couples who might want to come back and enjoy their privacy. Rain had left the grass to shine, dew drops tickling the tips.

Both twins find a place not too far from the house, and set the blanket down near some flowers so they could just enjoy the view.

"Kaoru, look."

"Hm?"

"The heliotropes." Hikaru points over at them. "They're really coming in, don't you think?"

"You're right." Leaning over, the younger plucks a few out from the ground and brings them to his nose and inhales. Something about them tickled him, made his toes curl up in delight and brought him back to summers before, summers when -

"Remember the first time we saw them? You thought they were the best flowers on earth."

Kaoru laughs, then nods. "What were we, five?"

"Mmhm. I think you put one in my hair because - "

" - I told you that blue is the prettiest color on you, and that you needed to wear it more."

Both of them share a laugh. Kaoru lies down beside Hikaru, still gripping the flowers while glancing at the overcast skies. Since the storm had passed, rays of orange and pink began to peer through; the sun was starting to set from the west.

Beautiful as it is, the scene looks like some cheesy scene right out of those dumb romcoms they watched in order to learn their lines.

"I could fall asleep out here." Hikaru admits after a while, lifting a leg and stretching it out. "Maybe grab a few more blankets..."

"It shouldn't rain anymore." Kaoru nestles a bit closer, smiling when an arm wraps around his shoulders. "We could. I mean, if you're still trying to avoid everybody."

A snort. "More or less."

"Storm aside, how was your date?"

"Good, I guess."

"You guess?" Kaoru raises a brow, turning more towards his twin. "What, you make it sound like it could've been better."

"Could've been. I mean, hanging out with Haruhi was nice and all, but I don't know. I felt...confused."

"There is no way you're that dense, nii-san."

"What? I'm not being dense, I - "

"It's pretty obvious that you really do like Haruhi as a friend." Maybe more, but Kaoru conveniently leaves that out, as he didn't care to dwell on it much. "And that you were jealous that she had more friends, besides us and the Host Club."

No comment. He takes that to be a victory, and decides not to press on. They pass much of their time in a content silence, listening to the occasional bird chip and any movement their bodies made as they kept huddling together.

Soon, though, Hikaru props himself up on an elbow, glancing down at Kaoru with a gaze that he read as sensual; sultry.

"Hikaru?"

"Remember that first time we kissed?"

As if he would ever forget such a delightful feeling. "Of course I remember. Why?"

More silence. In reality, only a good few seconds pass, but to Kaoru, the tick of the clock is so slow that he thinks he's watching everything move at turtle-neck speed - the shrinking of their distance, the hand that rests on his hipbone, the brushing of their lips -

"I want to kiss you more.”

This is the last thing Hikaru mumbles out, words so hasty they bleed together before he applies pressure to the kiss.

Again with this. Again with the kissing, but not as it was before. Their first kiss was tender; light. He felt the curiosity in it, the calculated care with which Hikaru took to make sure he wouldn't get pushed off, or rejected.

Now, however, was so far removed that Kaoru wondered if this all existed in the same timeline.

This kiss was heavier. _Harder_. He felt weight being applied to his groin, felt his brother's tongue rub along his bottom lip in askance for entry, and felt his own body reacting by letting his arms reach around the elder's neck to secure him place. No way in Hell he’s about to let this sensation get taken from him, not when it seems as if things are blooming in the root of his groin...

"Nii-san..." Kaoru breathes out as they part, toes curling up and clenching tight as something starts to rub into his hips. "Nii-san, what - "

"I want to do this." Hikaru's voice shakes, hips rolling slow into his twin while he lets his once resting hand begin to slip underneath Kaoru's vest. Gods be damned if he knew what prompted him to act on all these urges _now_ , of all times. "I want to do this with you."

"I - !"

Right _there_. Whatever the fuck his brother did, he wasn't sure, only that he was starting to feel white-hot as his own hips rock back. "Hika - ngh, don't stop..."

Their lips meet again; a series of frantic pecks and murmurs ensure while their groins keep brushing against each other to the point where both felt the other's member stiffen up. At the same time, warm hands find Kaoru's chest, fingers brushing over pert nubs in exploration.

"God, keep touching me..." Kaoru hooks a leg over Hikaru's waist, nails digging into his shirt while they share another kiss.

Was this fantasy? Another dream? Maybe he was making this all up, maybe in another minute he'd wake up and find Hikaru passed out beside him, stuck with his own ridiculous erection and wet sheets.

So he waits. He waits for the drop, for the punchline to hit. He waits for the electric pleasure to stop running all along his spine, for those lips to stop kissing his and tell him how long he'd been waiting to do this -

Before Kaoru knows it, he finds himself opening his eyes (when were they closed?), body shaking as Hikaru peels himself away.

Nothing could describe how _elated_ he felt when he realizes that none of this is of his own making, heartbeat so loud he can taste it pumping in his mouth.

"Why'd you stop?" Dizzy, he sits up, fingers resting on the elder's shoulders for support.

"Let's go inside. We're virgins, right? Might be easier on a bed."

A nod. Both of them stumble to get up and navigate their way back inside the house. Thankfully, the Host Club is absorbed in discussion around the back table, so they slip up the stairs in a hurry, burst into their bedroom, and shut the door.

For the longest moment, both of them just stand there. Kaoru bets he must look silly, what with his member causing a tent in his pants, face flushed and hair all mused up.

Hikaru thinks the same of himself, but he drinks up the image of his twin, knowing full well he is the cause of it all. He's the one who got Kaoru to moan like that, he's the one who got to touch him and make him tremble.

Dwelling on it is enough for him to make the first move - in a few quick steps, he reaches for the vest in a white-knuckled grip, reeling Kaoru in until they're liplocked in a fierce kiss.

How new. How different, their exploration of each other - lips part, and tongues rub against one another, mouths hot and wet while they share collective sighs of delight. Only when air becomes a necessity do they pull back, looking redder than before.

Of course, it's only for a split second. Before they know it, they're hitting the bed; Kaoru has to support himself to sit while Hikaru starts attacking his neck, palm rubbing slow circles into his groin.

"S-shi -t..." It seems like he's about to collapse in on himself like a star as that white-hot sensation spreads further and further, hips rolling into the hand with frantic desperation. His head tilts further to the side, allowing his twin more access to the expanse of skin; a trail of violet marks are left as he maneuvers his way down, stopping just where the vest began.

Oh, that's right. Clothes were still a thing.

"Here..." Kaoru sits up a bit more so he can grip the hem of his vest, preparing to pull it off -

Before he can, however, Hikaru grips his pants (and boxers), yanking them off with several hasty tugs. Once they pool around his ankles, the elder slips them down past his feet, tossing them to the side.

"Still impatient, I see." He chuckles a little, trying to fight the blush that wanted to emerge. Sure, they've seen each other naked since day one, but this was much different - instead of simply being looked at, Kaoru is consumed by Hikaru's gaze. Every inch of him became a display.

Not, that he minds.

"Sorry." Palms rub along his thighs, head dipping down low so he could get close to the swelling head. "I can't help it."

"Don't be ridiculous. Who said I cared?"

Kaoru was preparing for what he (based on his well-read knowledge of sexual activity) expected would be a blowjob. Instead, Hikaru pokes the underside of his head, making him tense up and hiss.

"Wh - at are you doing?" Torn between moaning and laughing, he decides to do both.

"Examining your dick. I need to figure out how to do this."

"Figure out what?" That just made him laugh harder, cheeks flushing. Stupid man. Stupid, adorable, wonderful man. "You act like you've never seen it before, much less touched it."

It was true. Although it seemed Hikaru was the one who got caught more, the pair had gotten curious at points. If one was found to be masturbating, the other would merely walk in and assist until finished. Nothing about it struck them as odd, only another leg of the journey in trying to disassemble what being sexual meant.

Now, however, this was for each other - their bodies, their noises, their moves - all of it was to be devoured by the other, to revel in and explore each other in a different way.

"I know, but giving head is a little different. I haven't done it before."

"Should I write up a step-by-step guide for you, Hikaru? Or do I need to - hmhm, fuck..."

Having enough of Kaoru's comebacks, the elder wraps his hand around the base of his cock and begins to pump, thumb sweeping over the slit so he could spread the leaking precome.

"Oh, you like that?" For emphasis, he does it again, this time slower. It's enough to draw out a rather lewd moan from the younger. "You know, if you keep mouthing off to me like that, maybe I just won't let you come..."

"You act li-like...God...you act like I don't know how to do the same..."

Before he can react, Kaoru slips his hand down the elder's pants, fingers quick to wrap around the base and return the favor. When he yields a muffled groan, he chuckles.

"Good?"

"Fuck..." Their lips meet for a long kiss; the sound of pecks and slick hands sliding along hardened flesh fill up the space, bed making the occasional creak as either one adjusted themselves.

When Hikaru pulls his hand away, Kaoru makes a noise of disapproval.

"Hika - "

"Here." Dipping his head low again, the elder flicks his tongue along the underside of his brother's cock a few times before wrapping his lips around the tip. Maybe he didn't know too much about this, but it seemed intuitive enough to suck and tease.

"Oh fu - yes...mnh..." Fingers tangle up in red locks and tug with care, legs spreading in response. Kaoru couldn't describe how incredible it all felt, the way the heat of his twin's mouth left him dazed, how his fingers moved over his pubic hair and thighs...

"Hika...Hikaru...more..."

They need to shift gears. Hikaru pulls back, licking his lips to rid whatever liquid managed to collect (a sight which Kaoru found erotic in and of itself).

"Hold on..." He stands up on shaking legs. Made it quite the trick to get over to their bags, where he has to dig for a bit before procuring a small bottle of lubricant.

"You brought that with you?" Pause. "Wait, were you planning - "

"Not at first, no. I brought it for other reasons."

Kaoru rolls his eyes, but can't stop the grin that forms on his features. Leave it to Hikaru to be prepared, even if unintentionally.

Now that he got that out of the way, the elder kicks off his shoes, slips out of his pants and boxers, and crawls back onto the mattress, pressing a quick kiss to Kaoru's lips before flicking open the lid.

"You know what to do, or did you need a guide on that, too?"

"You're funny." Hikaru squeezes the bottle and applies a healthy amount onto a few of his fingers, slipping a single digit into Kaoru.

"Mnh...just checking, y'know..." The younger bites down on his bottom lip, fingers brushing over his knees so he could stabilize himself and spread out a bit more. "Another one, nii-san..."

Adding the second finger, he tilts his head and lets a slight smirk spread over his visage, voice dipping into a sultry murmur.

"Kaoru, you never told me you've played with yourself like this before..."

He can only respond with a moan, hand gripping Hikaru's wrist so he would just _move_ them already.

Not yet, though. He was going to milk this for what it's worth, so he adds the third digit and just lets them sit for a good moment.

"Hikaru, s-stop teasing..."

"Tell me what you thought about while you did this, and maybe I'll move."

"I...God..." He wants the friction. Wants to feel those fingers hit his spot, make him eager for what was to come. Admitting what was going through his mind, however, was almost too embarrassing, and was surely crossing the line. This was only casual sex, not some sappy confessional.

"Hmmm? I can't hear you." For good measure, Hikaru grips his brother's cock once more, pumping slow while letting his fingers curl a little.

"Hikaru!" Kaoru tenses, nails digging into porcelain shoulders. "...I...I...you. I thought of...y-you."

Hearing that did something oddly delightful to the elder. It made his own cock twitch at the thought, groan leaving his throat as he starts to thrust his fingers deep into his twin. He needs to know more, hear more. Make sure he isn’t the only one who was driven mad by these thoughts.

"Thought of me doing what, Kaoru?"

"Christ...you...you fucking me. Doing this to me. Everything..."

"Goddamn." He watches his own work through half-lidded eyes. Kaoru was bucking his hips down into his fingers as he pushed them up, knees shaking as he tried to keep himself upright. Porcelain cheeks were flushed over, and a thin sheen of sweat made his bangs stick to his forehead.

That’s it. He wants - no, needs more. Needs to fulfill the desire to feel his own brother clench tight around him and scream his name until they were dipping into untouched galaxies. Reaching for the bottle again, Hikaru slips his fingers out and places more of the gel on his palm. A hiss is emitted from him while he rubs his cock, making sure to coat it in the lubricant to the best of his ability.

"Okay. Ready?"

That's a silly question. How obvious was it that both of them were thinking about this for quite some time?

"Yes."

With a bit of shifting, the elder places himself between Kaoru's legs, laying him down so they could get comfortable. A few kisses are shared between them, before -

"Shit."

"Hikaru?"

"We don't want them to hear. Give me a second."

Waiting feels like forever on Kaoru's end, but Hikaru was right. These walls weren't exactly built thick, and he doesn’t want to get caught (although the thought is exciting in and of itself).

A cellphone is placed screen up on the dresser, and after pressing the center button, the elder gets back in his place, using one hand to support himself while the other lined himself up.

For a few moments, he kept missing, hand too shaky to angle himself.

"Fuck, sorry."

"It's okay. Here..."

It feels like years that Kaoru had been hoping for this single moment. Not even the events before - the kissing, touching, and fingering - compared to this. Something about the way he had gripped his brother's cock and slipped it in him right as the beat dropped left him feeling that they collided together, made new colors burst from their lines of vision.

Sixteen years, and this was the first time he could say that their world had come to life.

" _Have you got colour in your cheeks?_  
Do you ever get that fear that you can't shift  
The type that sticks around like summat in your teeth?"

"Oh my God..." Now Kaoru was trembling; it was a struggle to get his legs to wrap around Hikaru's waist, forced to break eye contact by tilting his head back.

Full. He feels full, and loves it. Never wants the sensation to leave him, because this is what it meant to be with somebody who made you feel oddly alive.

"...move, nii-san. Please."

" _Are there some aces up your sleeve?_  
Have you no idea that you're in deep?  
I dreamt about you nearly every night this week..."

The first roll of the elder's hips sends sparks that makes the tight, coiled sensation in their groins start to loosen up. Heat spreads to every part of them, and each thrust after keeps drawing them closer to some undefined edge.

" _How many secrets can you keep?_  
'Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of  
you somehow and I play it on repeat  
Until I fall asleep  
Spilling drinks on my settee..."

Kaoru wasn't the only one wondering where this had been for so long. Hikaru felt it too, the pleasure in being engulfed in such a heat that it soon became his only constant, all-consuming thought.

"Goddamn, Kaoru..." He starts to pick up the pace as the tune picks up, lips parted as a constant stream of curses and moans leave him. All he wanted was more. More, more, more.

"( _Do I wanna know)_  
If this feeling flows both ways?  
(Sad to see you go)  
Was sort of hoping that you'd stay  
(Baby we both know)  
That the nights were mainly made for saying things   
that you can't say tomorrow day..."

Everything exists in their awareness. All at once, and not at all. Each thrust makes the headboard slam against the wall, makes the bed's springs shift and creak, makes them both moan louder, louder, until they are reaching new heights in some sort of cacophony.

How did you talk about that? Put it into words?

" _Crawling back to you..."_

"Hika-! Nhm...harder. Fuck me harder..."

"Shit..."

He complies. A few times, he slips out from how fast they manage to go, but manages to go back in and draws the most pleasurable sighs from Kaoru for every time his cock is buried right to the hilt once more.

" _So have you got the guts?_  
Been wondering if your heart's still open and if so  
I wanna know what time it shuts,  
Simmer down and pucker up  
I'm sorry to interrupt.   
It's just, I'm constantly on the cusp of trying to kiss you..."

"Hi - hmnh....I'm so close..."

"What are you waiting for?"

"!"

"Come for me..."

"Hika - "

"I - "

"Come for me, Kaoru. I want you to come...and say my name."

" _I don't know if you feel the same as I do  
But we could be together if you wanted to..."_

"Hikaru!"

Kaoru feels the rumble of the beat in his chest as he goes into sensation over-load, body tensing up before he spills his seed on his brother's stomach. Likewise, a familiar 'snap' forces the coiled pressure in the elder's groin to undulate; his thrusts become more erratic as he buries himself in Kaoru's chest and spills himself deep inside.

The rest of the song becomes a backdrop, playing off in some distant space while they lay there in the afterglow. Limbs are limp; Kaoru can't even feel his legs, and Hikaru pulls out quick so he can flop right next to him.

"..."

"..."

Both manage weak, identical grins as they glance at each other between pants.

"Good?"

"Amazing...almost like you weren't a virgin."

"I'll kick you out of this bed."

Kaoru laughs.

"Rude. You do realize I'm going to be stuck with a limp, right? You can't just kick me out of bed. "

"I can if I want to." Except Hikaru's threat has no validity, no meaning ot it, not as he slips his arm around Kaoru's waist.

After that? They start to fade into a slumber, overwhelmed by the sound of each other's heartbeats and a sense that, just as summer let its flowers bloom, so too did they emerge to feelings that ran deep, and flowed both ways.

 

†

 

"So, about yesterday..."

Limousines are rumbling in the driveway as it waits to pick up the Host Club. Everybody is packed, all the cars are loaded, and the group is waving their hands to Misuzu.

"Hikaru, Kaoru!" Tamaki shouts with the usual gusto. Yesterday might as well have not happened, considering how quickly he forgave the incident. "Come on, we're leaving right now! We'll leave you behind if you don't hurry up!"

"We're coming, hold on!" Both shout, before turning back to each other.

"What about yesterday? What, was I bad, or were you uncomfortable? If you wanted me to stop, Kaoru, I - "

"No, I did want it. Trust me." He laughs a little, but it's filled with so much anxiety that Hikaru can't even buy into it.

"Kaoru." A frown shows up on his features.

"Okay, okay. I just...yesterday wasn't bad, I promise. I mean, it was so incredible, and I...I don't want that to be the only time we do that."

God, how stupid did that sound. There was no way he would -

"Kaoru." The second time Hikaru says his name, it's soft; gentle. He grips his brother by the waist and pulls him in for a quick kiss on the lips, then smiles. By the time Kaoru can even so much as blink, Hikaru was already heading over towards the group, but not without having murmured something that made his heart feel paper light.

"Who said this had to be the only time?"


	11. Consumation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> who knew one's body held so many uncharted secrets - a treasure of its own, it is worthy of exploration by hands that love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Arrives a month and a half late with an update and some Starbucks.
> 
> At first, I was delaying updates because I wanted to let my story circulate for a bit longer and get more readers, but that soon turned into me being lazy (I mean, it is summer, after all). Now that I've given it some time, I'm ready to get moving! My main goal for the next couple of chapters involves much cute and fluff - dates! I'm also taking my chance to let them explore their gender and their sexuality in the same go, especially now that I've had some ideas about how they might go about exploring their femininity and intimacy while identifying as such.
> 
> As always, feel free to leave your reviews! I especially welcome the thoughts of trans/nonbinary individuals and other possibilities or critiques you've got about how I'm doing this.
> 
> Enjoy!

_She says she has to get clever about the way she moves._

Sometimes, Kaoru thinks, this is still just a dream, an illusion - nothing more than ideas that make his palms sweaty and his heart race (but have never yet come to frutition). How is he supposed to believe, after all, that his twin sibling had wanted this just as long as he has? That their kissing and touching is a mutual act of something bigger than themselves, that they are both being swept away by the same sensation?

Impossible. Right now, he thinks it's still impossible, gaze fixed to the floor while his fingers are still gripping his towel to his waist. Only when a pair of hands cusp his hipbones does reality dip inches into the phantasm of his thoughts.

"Need some help?"

What little cover he had between him and Hikaru - gone. The towel ends up atop his head, where his scalp and back recieve a gentle rub.

"Feel good?"

Kaoru says nothing, instead giving a pleased hum while leaning into the touch. His response is recieved in the form of a chuckle.

"Something's on your mind."

"Something's always on my mind, nii-san. I thought you knew that."

"Smartass." Both of them let out a light snicker. Now the towel is resting somewhere on his lower back, warmth replaced by hot breath tickling all along his neck.

It's enough to make him shiver.

"What? It's true."

"No it's not. Big difference between you 'just thinking' and you getting lost inside your head."

"What's wrong, Kaoru?"

Nothing, he wants to say. He's fine, just convinced that what he wanted most - this unlabeled romance - is a concept slipping right from his fingertips. That's all.

Instead, however, a shaky breath slips up from his throat as Hikaru inches closer, lips now tickling along the juncture of his neck. A few kisses are planted there with care, arms snaking around his brother's waist.

"I don't think sighing is an answer." Though he can't see it, he knows full well the elder is sporting a smirk. How easily undone he was by this man's touch.

"Tease - "

"Don't you like it?"

Honey-tinted irises meet, both pairs laced with affection and yet-simmering desire.

"I love it." And you, Kaoru thinks, but whether or not this whole affair is real, he doesn't quite have the courage to say that out loud.

"Kaoru."

Tell the truth, tell the truth. That's what Hikaru wants, what his whole body language whispers to him as a palm starts to caress along his chest.

So he does.

"I'm scared." He bites down on his bottom lip. "I - I really like all of this and I don't - "

"Kaoru." Never did he think he could love the way his name sounds so much until it slips from those lips like honey. "You still think I don't want this? Want you?"

Before he can say anything further, that wandering hand winds up cusping his cheek and drawing him in for a hard kiss. Somewhere between the loss of Hikaru's towel and the edge of the bed is when he wakes up from disbelief - porcelain legs are spread out with come sticking to his thighs, lips raw and puffy from the attention they've recieved by inviting kisses.

"M-more."

"More what?" God, he can hear the grin in his voice and it's enough for him to tangle his fingers in damp locks, tugging hard.

"More. Touch me more. I - I want you."

And a familiar sensation of stretching hits him, bodies rocking together as if they'd never had the pleasure of meeting before.

 

†

 

Summer days are wrapping itself around them as a murky haze, keeping them dancing as days fall off the calendar.

Company became an all-consuming need that was never satiated.

Many mornings are a ritual in and of itself - hands are already wandering beneath the sheets, both bringing each other closer until hips are rocking together to that same edge. Any plans made ensured their time was always spent with each other - movies, parks, festivals - put a name to it, and they were there, fingers tangled up together with matching smiles.

Concern is expressed, of course. Whenever Yuzuha is around, she wonders why they stay cooped up in that room half of the time. Tamaki wants to know how come they're always out together and not 'spending more time with daddy and the dear family.'

Their response? Excuses.

It's a selfish thing, to be sure, but neither twin can explain it. Every moment spent felt like something that was always meant to be there, moments they wanted to keep going because (somewhere) in their hearts they are afraid of this feeling dying out with the summer months. If they can enjoy it for what it is, while they have it -

Everything else is background noise.

 

†

 

"Fuck."

Which is why July is hardly emerging when the first real concern of this abstract romance occurs. How could they expect something as integral as gender to just disappear?

"What should we do?" Kaoru plays with her nails while she sits on the edge of the mattress. She doesn't want to see the amount of dissatisfaction in Hikaru's eyes while she studies her reflection (for she always hated seeing her twin fumble with dysphoria).

"I don't know." Her response is agitated, lips pursing into a scowl. "I just...I feel weird right now. Kind of like - like I'm not looking at _me_.”

Silence chases them around for a moment, until -

"We don't have to do anything like that, Hikaru." Standing up, Kaoru approaches the mirror, offering a soft smile. "Sex isn't everything. We can still - "

"I know, but I don't care." Hikaru turns to look at her sibling, letting a sigh escape. "I mean, you're right, but maybe I really like getting intimate with you. "

Her porcelain visage was a vibrant red, making the younger chuckle while she takes her sister's hands in hers.

"Then let's start figuring things out for ourselves. I know you wanted to pretend this was a phase, but I don't think it is."

"It'd be so much easier to just be normal.”

"Who said this wasn’t normal? It’s just different, that’s all.” Kaoru taps her fingers on Hikaru's knuckles, thinking over her next words. "Besides, I think we can make this work, and figure things out. If it's not going to 'go away', then we can make ourselves more comfortable at least."

"Well…” Gears start to turn. “Haruhi's dad is a transvestite, right? And she doesn't care what the fuck people use for her pronouns. We could ask them..."

"Yes, but we should figure some things out before we do. And besides..."

Kaoru glances over towards their door, knitting her brows for a moment before a wry smile crosses her lips. Hikaru was just confused.

"What are you looking at?"

"Remember that time we dressed up for Haruhi because we thought she was going to run off to Lobellia?"

"Like I'll ever forget seeing the boss in a dress." But the feeling of proclaiming her other gender, and the act of dressing up brought a lot of comfort.

"And when we were younger? We used to dress up all the time before - "

" - mother said we were too old and needed to quit playing around with her make-up, yeah, yeah."

She turns back to Hikaru, her smile having widened considerably.

"Let's go on a date. Today I think I want to go down to the shopping district."


	12. Quick Update!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brief update on the status of this story.

Hey ya'll! I know it looks like I've dropped off of the face of the Earth, but that is all things contrary. I'm actually pretty busy with school right now, and going back to focus a bit more on my original works (since I'm in a creative writing class). As a result, I've been waaaay behind in updating both this series, and, well, everything.

I'm not sure how long I'll be before I come back with more. My focus is kind of scattered, and I've been wanting to just write all of the smutty one-shots and AUs. Keep a lookout for other things - I'll have a short break soon, so I'll see if there's a day where I can just slip something in. 

Thanks for your patience!

<3, Jazzy


	13. MAJOR UPDATE + HIATUS

(Sincerely wish there was an easier way to let all my readers know what was happening.  I hate putting updates in works.)

 

Happy Holidays! I hope you guys are preparing for the New Year's and that you had an amazing Christmas/Kwanzaa/Hanukkah/! I know my holidays have been rather relaxing - I've been enjoying myself by binging on games, shows, and petsitting.

 

Now, for some important updates:

 

1\. I'm going to write again very shortly. As in, this week. I know I've been absent for a while, but my semester was stressful, and I focused all of my writing on original works. I've also been sporadic with the ideas I have for my twins, so I've been lacking in consistency. But, now that I'm both on break AND going to power through the second half of the manga (basically, what the anime didn't get to show us), 'm feeling a lot more motivated. Bear in mind my next update probably is just going to be another smutty one shot, but, you know, most of my stories revolve around the tension between their repressed feelings and Haruhi sooo I thought it'd be nice to just do something a bit lighter and more heartfelt for that Holiday Cheer. 

 

2\. The main reason I'm updating you through this story is because this story is now on _HIATUS._ Even though I've tried to approach it like series of sporadic one-shots, I know it's still a chapter story. It's meant to be read in chronological order. Why is that an important distinction? Because I'm honestly not a novel writer. For the life of me, I cannot write an extended work - I've just always been more of a short-story/poetry kind of gal, so that's what I'mma stick to. But, I have lots of key ideas I want to explore that stemmed from me writing this work. 

From this point forward, I'm likely going to do snapshots in what I call my 'timeline.' Things I've headcannoned, things I've been dying to see, etc. In other words, expect the Hitachiincest tag to be stuffed full of my oneshots, haha! 

 

That's all in way of major updates. Tune in to see what weird shit I'm planning to do in the near future.

 

\- Jasmine


End file.
